Six Ways to Win Any Bar Fight

Categories: How To
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Six Ways to Win Any Bar Fight

Rule Number 1: Don’t admire your work.

Mike The Situation got himself into a bad situation
Mike admired his work, don’t be Mike.

So you’ve found yourself in a hairy situation at the local watering hole and you are required to save the day. As tempting as it is, don’t be Mike from Jersey Shore randomly throwing punches followed by fist pumping on the pier. Get in and get out.

Rule Number 2: Pay Attention to Your Surroundings

Being surrounded means you can't miss
We’re surrounded, that simplifies our problem – Chesty Puller

You could be the most Billy badass bro north of the border but when you are unaware of what is taking place around you, you open yourself up to sneak shots and those never end well. Keep yourself with a team of buddies and watch out for each other. When you find yourself an ass hair away from a shitty situation break contact and regroup. Keep a solid exit strategy in the back of your mind. When in doubt get the fuck out.

Rule Number 3: Soft Tissue

Shattered Septum
Just Rub Some Dirt on it. Image via Josh

You’ve come face to face with the enemy and it’s time to close. Go for the soft tissues. This includes throat, eyes, and genitals. This is a bar fight, nothing about it is pretty. When you hit hard places like foreheads or teeth you open yourself up to busted knuckles and Billy’s nasty gum line might leave you with an infection you don’t want.

Rule Number 4: Mind Your Escalation of Force

Steve Tarani Disarms an Opponent
Remove the Threat. Learn how with Steve Tarani Here

If shit hits the fan and Billy the barroom brawler pulls a weapon, it’s time to get relief. You have a few options. When you are met with deadly intent your first priority is to redirect the weapon. Disarm your attacker and get control. Once the situation is yours to monetize, grab a weapon of opportunity. The obvious choice is an ice cold brewskie within arm’s reach. Some other desirable alternatives include a bar stool, pool cue, or even a handful of darts. Feel free to get creative.

Rule Number 5: Stay on Your Feet

Stay on Your Feet
Submission moves don’t work in real life… when you’re drunk

The quickest way to lose any ground you’ve gained is to end up on your back. If you aren’t three sheets to the wind you should do what you must to stay standing. A powerful stance will allow you to make quick work of your opponent without all the mess.

Rule Number 6: Hone your Hero or Zero Move

Quadruple Tornado Kick for the Win
Quadruple Tornado Kick for the Win

 A Hero or Zero move is your final Hail Mary. This can be a tornado kick, spinning back kick, anything you can muster up at the time. If you are to this point you are going for broke, so give it all you’ve got. This one last obnoxious move will either land perfectly and you’ll be exiting the bar with your opponent’s babe on your arm, or you’ll land a zero… but you’ll look really fucking cool doing it.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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3 thoughts on “Six Ways to Win Any Bar Fight

  1. I’m leaning towards buying grunt style magazine. Im sporting grunt style shirts because I like the designs on them so if the articles like “6 ways to win a bar fight” and “5 mistakes veterans make on a resume” are in the magazine, I can’t see why not. Keep on keeping on you sparked my interest

    Russell, thomas
    12B army 2005-2012

  2. Great read. Sounds about right from the years I have been in the various bar room situations. Bonus points for putting good info in there from Steve Tarani, great guy and super efficient. Though my usual weapon of opportunity is the person I just disarmed, swing them around and clear things out and then bounce them off stuff, walls, floors, whatever. ( : Good stuff though.

  3. “If you ever happen to find yourself in a fair fight, you’re doing something wrong.” – Unknown Drill Instructor