Dear old St. Nick. That guy dressed in red who delivers Christmas joy to people all over the world. You know him, you love him. He’s the face of Christmas. In fact, the more we think about Santa Claus, we start to see some of the same types of things that we have all seen in the military. As we thought about it more, the truth about Santa became more clear. As we continued our deep analysis of Santa’s behavior, we came to a realization. Santa is an officer.
Here are the 5 Ways to Tell that Santa is an Officer
#5 – Santa counts on 9 other members of his team to drag him to his objective.
Sure. Santa flies around the world delivering presents. Where would he be without his crew? They are the ones who make sure he gets to all the houses so he can be the big hero. Like the flight crews in the military who make sure aircraft are ready to fly and who perform hours and hours of maintenance just to have the pilot show up and fly off to capture all the glory, Santa’s reindeer and elvin ground crew do the same. They keep Santa flying and get him where he needs to be just so he can get all the glory.
#4 – Santa only works 1 day per year but expects everything to be done for him when he shows up for that day.
Just like an officer, Santa is “supervising” the elves all year long making sure the toys get done on time. Right. “Supervising”. The truth is that there is no doubt an elvin 1SG working in the toy shop who is there to make sure all the work gets done on time just so Santa can come rolling in on Christmas Eve to claim all the glory for their hard work.
#3 – Elves build all the toys, Santa gets all the credit.
Santa hasn’t picked up a hammer since he was in STC back in college (that’s the Santa Training Corps). Santa likes to tell anyone who will listen that he was the commander of his STC unit in college and they were all pretty much Rangers but that was nearly 200 years ago. The only thing Santa is good for now is to stand around telling the elves how hard toy making was back when he had to do it.
#2 – Continuously violates his own SHARP briefing by repeatedly shouting “ho, ho, ho” all around the world.
There has been a lot of trouble in recent years up at the North Pole what with gender integration in all the toy-making units and all. Because of the trouble, SHARP briefings are now the norm up there at the North Pole command center. With Santa being the guy in charge, he is often the one delivering the briefings. That doesn’t mean he listens to what he is telling his elves though. What is the deal with all that “ho, ho, ho” talk Santa? I know of at least four elves who left the North Pole as terminal Cobblers because of EO complaints against them for saying the exact same thing.
#1 – Over weight, no tape test.
Let’s get real here. It’s clear that Santa hasn’t done PT since before Jesus was a road guard. He eats cookies and milk non-stop but he never seems to have to worry about a weigh in or PT test. There is no way Santa is meeting the standard. Let Rudolph put on a couple of extra pounds though as he recovers from an over-use injury from the hectic Christmas schedule and nose so bright or not, Rudolph I’m sure will be shown the door. Everyone else is suffering because of the draw down but it never seems to impact Santa.
There you have it. The evidence is both overwhelming and clear. Santa is very clearly an officer.