Graduation was coming up and we all were getting haircuts and class As ready for turning blue and everything. My girlfriend was coming with my parents to see the ceremony. So I decided to get cleaned up. And by cleaned up I mean shave my pubes.
Obviously there was no need to do it during OSUT because I was surrounded by dudes. Well there was too much for me to use a razor so I decided to use the clippers we used to shave our heads.
This ended up being bad idea number one.
I shaved the upper bush area without incident and was trying to figure out how to shave my sack. Now remember I’m doing this in front of the mirror of our communal latrine. There were a few other members of my platoon coming in and out of the bathroom, taking care of business, shaving, brushing their teeth, etc.. For some damn reason me shaving my pubes was a show for some because I had 5 dudes watching me.
As I said I was trying to figure out how to do my sack, and one of the audience members told me “you have to try and stretch it out or do the brain with it”. I said OK and made the brain and commenced with the process.
The instant the clippers made contact everything went wrong.
I didn’t have a guard on it because I wanted to get it as short as possible, the direct contact of metal clippers on my coin purse made 8 distinct teeth marks. The pain was like nothing else. And I started bleeding immediately.
Everyone watching started pissing their pants laughing. I didn’t know what to do, I was just standing there bleeding from my nut sack. One guy grabbed me and started parading me around the bay showing everyone what a dumb ass I was. He brought me back into the latrine and told me, “hey man, them clippers are filthy, we need to disinfect the wound so your balls don’t fall off”. I was sweating from the intense pain so I said, “you’re right, what should I do?”. He said, “I got this” he ran into the bay and came back with a bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Now this was the start of bad idea number 2.
By now anyone who could fit into the latrine was in there watching me bleed and enjoying the show. The guy popped the cap and said, “you ready?”
I thought I was.
He upturned the bottle and dumped the whole thing on my bleeding nuts.
My balls were now on fire. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I screamed like a bitch.
While all this was going on in the meantime guess who walked in? Our Senior Drill Sergeant.
He must’ve walked in just as the alcohol was being poured on me because moments after my screaming stopped we heard his booming voice, “WHAT THE F*CKING HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE!!??”. Everybody bolted from the latrine except me and my buddy holding the now empty rubbing alcohol bottle.
I was now standing at parade rest, in the nude, bleeding from my sack.
He looks me dead in the eye, “WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU DO MAJOR’S BOY!?” (When the drill sergeant found out I was the son of a retired major, “Major’s Boy” was my name)
All I could do was answer honestly, “Drill Sergeant, I cut my nut sack with a pair of hair clippers Drill Sergeant!”
He was biting his lip to hold his laughter. He put on his best mean face he could, “goddamn, you got to be the dumbest ass f*cking majors boy there ever was, stop bleeding all over my latrine and git these pubes off my latrine floor!”.
He made his way to their office at the other end of the bay, the other two Drill Sergeants had just walked in. He pulled them in the office and proceeded to tell them what he’d just witnessed. I know this because we could hear them laughing, next thing I know I hear, “majors boy!! Front and center!”
And still naked I reported to their office. The bleeding had slowed for the most part by this time but the other two Drills wanted to see it for themselves. They had tears in their eyes from laughing so hard. I was told to stand at attention, so they could inform the platoon of the dangers of shaving your nut sack with hair clippers. I half expected to be paraded around for the entire company to see my wounded sack but thankfully that didn’t happen.
The Senior Drill Sergeant handed me a pack of gauze and instructed me to stop bleeding and finish cleaning my mess. Word travels fast and the entire company did find out, and my name was changed from “majors boy” to “nut sack”.
Those last 4 days couldn’t go by fast enough for me.
I ended up not needing stitches, but to this day you can still faintly see the teeth marks on my crown jewels. Despite the pain and embarrassment I went through at the time, in the long run this is one of my favorite stories of all time.
Yes all of this is true.
Courtesy of ASMDSS Stories