Forget about all the politics and non-essential problems in our country right now, because we have something we can all unite about in anger. We are in possibly the largest crisis that we as America’s Drinking Team have faced since prohibition (and let me just say…that sh*t was a terrible idea).
There is a bacon shortage in America!
We’re not talking about a small shortage, either. We’re talking about bacon prices being worse than gas prices. We’re talking about 10 of millions of pounds of bacon not being available for us to consume at the cyclic rate and use the grease to oil our assault rifles.
Here are some numbers for you freedom loving, red white and blue, meat eating savages; in 2016 America paid an average of $3.45 a pound for bacon and as of this month we are now paying an average of $5.10 per pound. It’s not just the prices that are climbing, either! The demand for bacon is skyrocketing faster than the prices are due to the shortage. The supply of the pork belly that is used to make bacon is at an all-time low, and so is our morning morale.
How are we supposed to have any sort of production during our regular work day if we are starting it off in such a horrible manner?! I now have to drink 2 beers in the morning instead of slowly enjoying one with my eggs. I have to substitute something for the bacon (and let’s face it…. the only logical substitution for bacon is another cold beer)! It’s not just breakfast that we are taking a beating on either, brothers and sisters; it’s bacon cheeseburgers, it’s candied bacon, its bacon on your pizza, it’s bacon on your steak, it’s bacon in your lasagna. The list goes on and on, but I have to stop, because if I get any more upset the saltiness of my tears will just remind me of the sweet, salty bacon that I may soon not be able to afford to enjoy.
Overall, I realize that this article has been a collection of nothing but terrible news, but you had to hear it from somewhere, and who better to get shitty news from than Angry Dave. I hope that you all can get out there and enjoy what bacon you have left and stock up if you can. We may be in for rough times, bacon lovers.
Stay strong, and keep on Clubbin’.
Angry Dave – Club Grunt Style