One from across the pond…
I was in the Territorial Army in the UK (kind of like active duty reserves in the USA?). I also have a minor problem if I have too much dairy (it will become clear).
Back in 2012 I was attending my PNCO Cadre (promotion course from Private to Lance Corporal (E3 – E4) for my American brothers & sisters) We had a Sgt DS who was on his last rotation and thought that all of us reservists were a waste of decent uniform (he is right for a small part of them) he played constant fuck-fuck games with us from the minute we arrived. (The Regular UK Army used to call us STABS -Stupid Territorial Army Bastards)
This takes place on the first night of the field phase of the exercise (start of the 2nd week). That lunchtime as we knew it was going to be our last proper meal for a good few days and the only edible (I use that term very loosely) meal was a chicken pasta dish. Anyway, we all loaded our plates up on it and ate it all down, got our kit on and tabbed into the exercise area. All was going well other than being beasted for the full 8 miles into the area in what felt like Olympic record time!
That night we were bashered up in the tree line off the exercise ground woods and had a basic sentry on duty. I had an early stag and got into my sleeping bag about 2300 with a stomach that was making some interesting sounds. I put it down to nerves of the coming days even though I felt confident as I had recently returned from a tour in Afghanistan.
About 0330 I wake up in a sweat and realized that there was a lot of dairy in the pasta dish and it’s about to make an appearance… I jump out my bag, grab my rifle get the sentry’s attention that I’m about to head to the designated toilet area and go off at a run (from the knees down)
For context, due to local legislation in the training area, we had to use porta-potties which were located about 200m from our makeshift harbor area. Halfway there I started to lose control of my bowels and managed to pull my trousers down where I was and had the runniest case of the shits in my life!
It was awful, and I had no tissue to clean up with as the porta-pottie was still a good 100m away. So I grabbed a load of grass and cleaned up enough to make it to the loo. I also put some grass over the offending mess I left behind. (I still gag thinking about that smell now)
I got myself cleaned up and went back to normal routine (getting messed about by the Drill Staff from about 0430 when they returned from their nice warm accommodation) Things were going great until just before lunch that day.
The Sgt who was ‘teaching’ us was going to give a demonstration of one thing or another and goes running off down a stretch of open land, then throws himself down onto the ground whilst shouting at us. However, on landing he screamed like a girl and slid a few feet forwards before jumping back up and turning to face us covered in my liquid shit from the night before, turns and vomits (it later came to light his mouth was open as he hit the ground)
The other DS burst out laughing as we tried our hardest not to react as it would be our asses on the line if we did. The Sgt stank and was covered, he was also fuming, luckily for me he didn’t put two and two together and stormed off to get cleaned up.
The watch sentry didn’t follow the correct process and didn’t note who it was who went to the loo so no one could be blamed. The remaining DS thought it was epic as they also all resented the DS Sgt so we were not too badly beasted for the fuck-up. When DS Sgt Shitty returned we all got messed about for about an hour and nothing more was said about it.
On the last night, I confessed to one of the better DS in the bar that it was me who had shit and explained what happened. He thought it was brilliant and even got me a beer in. He did mention it in my course evaluation and I was given the new nickname of skidmark by the seniors in my unit. I still get called that to this day and don’t see it stopping anytime soon!
It was an experience having to explain to my wife’s family at our wedding why all my military friends called me skidmark…
Read more Basic Training Stories here.