So a few years ago, I thought it would be a great idea to drop out of college and join the Canadian navy (it’s a real thing). With only $14 and ideas of adventure in foreign ports i thought this would be an amazing adventure of fun in the sun, and since it was navy I’d have the easy life. on a cold November evening when the bus pulled up to the huge prison-like building which is only known as ‘the mega’. a short but somehow incredibly scary looking master corporal stepped on the bus and quietly told everyone to be off and formed up in 30 seconds.
my notions of lying on beaches with a cheap Bottle of rum in one hand and not a care in the world quickly evaporated.
Cut to some weeks later, it is a thing in the Canadian forces that at a certain point in recruit training if a platoon is doing well, we are allowed to have weekends off and visit the on-base mess, or go out for the weekend and drink our faces off. now after weeks of early mornings, menial and impossible tasks, constant drill and getting yelled at for ridiculously minor infractions (as all respectable basic training should go) we were all ready for some R&R…and quite a bit of alcohol.
As the mega is located in the French province of Quebec alcohol prices are quite low, as well as drinking ages. which pretty much amounts to a lot of shenanigans by dumbass recruits with nothing to do but cause trouble on weekends. Cut to the very first Saturday night off. after drinking since mid afternoon at local establishments which had a lot of tequila, a bunch of us headed to the on base mess located inside the Mega.the rules in this particular mess included only two drinks per person at a time, and no shooters, which translates too double fisting beers. needless to say i was F***** up. Which led to what happened next. While walking to the bathroom i saw two MP’s walk into the mess. And i decided to yell at the top of my lungs “UH OH ITS THE PO-PO!!!!!”. And dive into the washroom.
The rules in this particular mess included only two drinks per person at a time, and no shooters, which translates to double fisting beers. needless to say, I was F***** up. Which led to what happened next. While walking to the bathroom I saw two MP’s walk into the mess. And I decided to yell at the top of my lungs “UH OH ITS THE PO-PO!!!!!”. And dive into the washroom.
As i was doing my business in the urinal, grinning like an idiot at how clever i was…. I heard the washroom door open, and the slow tread of combat boots coming towards me. dick still in hand I looked up, and saw an enormous MP looking at me a mere two feet away. i was literally caught with my dick in hand, and pants down. the MP in a thick French accent snarled “after this piss, you are done, go upstairs, i do not want to see you the rest of the night”
i replied in a very weak voice “oui mcpl” and as quickly as i could shook zipped and left, after drunkenly marching down the hallway (Even on weekends we had to march everywhere) and up the 8 flights of stairs to bed. i woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell, and a dread for the coming Monday when my platoon staff got back.
Cut to Monday, weapons training class, probably the most intense phase of basic, it was mid afternoon and at this point, as it hadn’t been mentioned, i thought Saturdays incident hadn’t been reported. when while standing outside the classroom at rigid attention in full fighting order, with our Mcpl, (same guy from the bus) waiting for our crazy weapons Instructors, our Mcpl asked “how was everyones weekend? Stay out of trouble?”
Everyone in ranks looked at me and started to laugh, Mcpl A rounds on me, and in a low voice asks “OS K… What did you do?”
As I’d kept my head down until this point he almost seemed surprised, I weakly replied: “I got kicked out of the mess by the MP’s Mcpl!”
For a moment no one moved. He then had me explain what had happened, just as the weapons staff showed up. after dismissing us and filing into our separate classrooms i observed him speaking with another Instructor, a crazy vandoo (French infantry) that i had previously had, and was kind of scared of. after rigging for weapons training, we stood at attention for our Instructor, when the same vandoo walks in, door crashing behind him, and asks in heavily accented English, “which on of you was kicked out by dee MP’s???”
Expecting all hell to break loose I reluctantly replied “me Mcpl”. He walked up to me, looked me straight in the eye…. And said, “fuck yes man, that’s how you party!”
It was at that point I realized three things about the military: everyone likes to drink, everyone has crazy stories, and everyone hates MP’s.
It was even funnier when he started giving the infantry recruits shit for letting a navy guy get kicked out before them.
Read more Basic Training Stories here.