Last week the fashion world was shaking its collective head when it was announced that Philadelphia was crowned the national champion of sweatpants for the second year in a row. The City of Brotherly Laziness purchased the most sweat items than any other city in the US. Hartford and Pittsburgh rounded out the top three. When reached for comment Pittsburgh vowed that “next year those cheese steak chompin’ d-bags ain’t winnin’ nuthin.”
In an attempt to lessen the perception that Philadelphia is a lazy town it was suggested by researcher John Fetto that, “…perhaps Philadelphia residents are “more physically active” or “have more activities” that make sweats appropriate.
With this win, Philly is now headed to the World Cup of sweatpants where they will hope to compete with 8-time European and 6-time World champion Russia. Russia recently crushed the number 2 ranked Polish team to advance to the finals.
Russian team captain Alexei Ivanov celebrated for days after their recent advancement to the World Cup against the American team.
“This be no contest. Americans not know what coming. Do you see these? Look at my pants! Do you see? These special pants, only can get in Ukraine! Do not ask how I get them, put these pants by themselves beat Americans. This be proud day for us! Wooooo… (inaudible)”.
For many years, Russians have dominated the ranks of sweatpants-wearing countries. So crazy are the Russians for sweatpants that they can be seen wearing them in sub-zero temperatures, while moving furniture in the rain, at church and while making vodka.
The active/leisure wear is not limited to these labels, however. What makes the Russians a force is the versatility with which they employ the pants. They have been seen wearing sweat pants with a collared shirt and sweater vest or even plain black ones with a jacket and tie. Long time sweatpants king and Russian gangster Igor Volkov commented “What else I am going to wear? Adidas make best pants in world.”
The US team likes their chances against the Russians but most observers feel that it won’t be close. There is still a stigma attached with publicly wearing sweatpants in the US that died in Russia decades ago and contributes to their continued dominance. There are similarities between the USA’s sweatpants game and soccer game. People are playing, and interest is on the rise but they just aren’t ready to truly compete on the world stage and won’t be for at least 20 years.
Fetto, a researcher for Experian Marketing illustrated this when he tried to justify wearing sweats all the time. “There’s no shame in wearing sweats. I don’t think. I think there are probably plenty of fashionable sweat options that are out there.”
Aging athletes and slobs all over the world will be watching the contest closely, but in the end, they will all be bowing for the 9th time to the once and future Kings of Sweatpants.