Basic Training Story #4732
Going through OSUT at Benning we had two borderline mentally challenged privates who couldn’t grab their ass with both hands. As luck would have it, they fucking hated each other. Private P, looked like Marylin Manson and Private S was a complete clone of Roger the alien from ‘American Dad’. I mean looked like him, walked talked etc.
We decided to stage a boxing match between them in the laundry room on a Sunday afternoon.
Cut to all 60 trainees packed the walls with the two numb nuts in the middle. After Pvt. P had proceeded to head but Pvt. S and slam his head into the tile floor the match was called. Drill B was on CQ and was 100% on board with the ass whooping Private P dished out.
After a week or so of taking shit for getting his ass whooped by a down syndrome kid, Pvt. S snapped. He wrote a 2 page letter stating his hatred for the entire platoon and set up a mural with his weapon and TA-50 to commemorate his 2 months of military service.
He then proceeds to make a noose with 550 cord and string himself up from a latrine stall. (How he had enough cord to fit around his head I will never know). The cord eventually breaks and he lays on the latrine floor defeated.
Luckily DS B was on CQ at the time, and when he saw Pvt S half dead on the floor, the only thing he said was “What a waste of 550 cord…” and walked away.
The most ‘don’t give a shit’ (and funniest) remark I’ve ever heard given to an attempted suicide.