Real Men Use Their Hands: The Bold First Date
We’ve all been there. The sweaty palms. A palpitating heart. The seemingly endless opportunities to make the wrong decision. No, I’m not describing the vision test at the DMV. I’m talking about choosing the first “dinner date” spot, and not screwing it up. You’ve succeeded, somehow, in advancing beyond the “let’s grab drinks” portion of modern courtship and have progressed along the path towards destiny, or a morning of regrets. So be gutsy and craft a bold first date.
Any choice you make, you second-guess, and just when you think you’ve picked the perfect spot, that dreaded text comes digging for details. First and foremost, no woman approves of the “well what do you want to do?” text. Pull it together man. Take charge and pick a place. Having said that, the ambiance and cuisine will say a lot about you and your personality. It is your decision after all…
My suggestion is to go all in. Make it a bold first date. No, not some romantic candle lit dinner at a fancy steak house where the forks outnumber the number of sport coats you own. Go all in with your hands. Forgo the worry about the obvious sanitary restrictions and find a place where the actual act of eating is an event all to itself.
Now, don’t get my words misconstrued, I’m not talking about some tavern chicken wings or NYC style pizza or even “in-the-scene” hipster taco joint; I’m talking about immersing yourself within the world of finger suckling and lip smacking delight. Trust me, nothing fills the void of awkward silences better than the cracking of shells or flirtatious grappling for the naan. Plus, as an added benefit, the more you look like a Neanderthal devouring the primal bounty of his hunt, the easier it is for your date to laugh and make the experience feel comfortable. Subconsciously, the more confidence you exude (i.e. through not caring about lambasting yourself), the more likely she’ll want a second date.
Different Strokes for Different Folks
If you are bold enough, and accept the challenge, there are four styles of cuisine I would recommend dabbling with on your first dinner date.
Aside from being delicious, crustaceans require the use of hands on grappling. Your potential mate’s carnal desire will heighten with each crab leg you snap or each oyster you slurp, without needing to reach for those pesky and infantile machine-made utensils.
Just a side note, avoid King Crab legs. Not only are they pricey, but their spiky shells can pierce the toughest of skin – stick with smooth shells of Snow Crab. No woman wants to see a man cry on the first date. Pro Tip: they say oysters are a natural aphrodisiac, so at least you got that going for you…also, seafood smell lingers – bring breath mints and use those lemony hand wipes.
2. Ethiopian Food
I know what you’re thinking. To some, curry (or berbere in this case) doesn’t exactly exude “sexy” – nor do mad dashes to the bathroom. Yet, if you can overcome your globalist fears, the exotic tastes and ambiance will show your date that a worldly type of American resides behind that sleeveless tee and trucker’s mesh hat. It’s not just “Indian” food with a different name – that was so yesteryear – it’s Ethiopian. Nothing tells a potential sexual partner, “I’m cultured” like Ethiopian food…or so I’ve been told. Also, for you non-meat eaters – which is an argument for another day – Ethiopian cuisine has a vast vegetarian selection that’s to die for, or not to die for since being vegetarian is the health craze du jour, whatever…
The use of Injera (“sour” flatbread) and welcomed finger scoops of meat and veggies, issue a call to all hands on deck. Be wary though, while your tongue may orgasm, your intestines may spasm later on. I would suggest, if you’re a virgin to traditional Ethiopian food, conduct a recon solo mission prior to bringing a potential romantic date. Plus it’s gluten free for all our celiac readers. Pro Tip: wash your hands BEFORE and after using the restroom.
A good ol’ staple of the U.S. of A. Nothing screams primal ‘Merica eats, like tearing into a rack of scandalously slathered ribs. Gnashing flesh from bone, smattering barbeque sauce in your beard, all the while staring dreamily at the woman (or man) you’ve conned into breaking bread.
If the sauce doesn’t get the juices flowing, then perhaps the lemon scented wet naps will. You can’t go wrong with BBQ, just don’t be surprised if your date orders a salad. Neon signed Porky pigs don’t exactly scream healthy. I have found that those of the female persuasion don’t typically throw down on the first dinner date. DO NOT JUDGE THEM. Unless you are interested in being alone, forever, which in that case why even go on a date in the first place? Basically, it’s one thing to eat like a neanderthal, it’s a completely other thing to treat women like a neanderthal. It’s 2017, if you’re not on board with that, then no amount of advice can help you.
Last but not least, I summon the Japanese staple to the plate. Interesting fact about the raw fish cuisine, you can disregard our foolish western ways. Sushi is made to eat with your hands. So leave those two shaved pieces of kindling (chopsticks) in their paper wrapping. Be a bold kamikaze and demonstrate your knowledge of the Orient by pinching that spicy tuna roll with your opposable thumb and index finger. Dip it in a delicious mixture of soy sauce and wasabi and scarf it down in a single bite.
ProTip: If you decide to go to a sushi joint, don’t order the teriyaki chicken. I’m not gonna say you look like a five year old, but honestly you just look like a five year old. Grow a pair and eat some raw fish.
To The Victor Go The Spoils!
God, or whatever you believe in, gave you hands for a reason – so use them. Make it a bold first date and the world will be your oyster.
Happy hunting…errr, I mean, eating! Feel free to share your experiences below in the comments, if you’ve had the pleasure of grubbing with your paws on a date.