We gave you a pretty decent list of the Best War Movies of All Time, now we will present to you the Worst War Movies Ever Made and finally get some definitive closure with regards to what Hollywood finds to be “award-winning” caliber war movies…
Number one on the all-time worst war movies ever made, without a shadow of a doubt, The Hurt Locker. How so much went wrong so quickly remains a mystery to us. For instance, we always start our day grabbing a handful of 155mm artillery shells that are all linked together. It’s what really get’s us going on those slow groggy mornings. We’re sure Kathryn Bigelow is an extremely talented director, well we’re not quite sure. This movie deserves to be hazed in the gas chamber in MOPP 4 for being such an abomination. How folks in Hollywood place Saving Private Ryan and The Hurt Locker in the same category make us want to eat sand.
Number two on our list of “What the ever living-F***, were they thinking?” You know it, you love it, Basic, with Samuel L. Jackson, if for nothing else other than the amazing Woolly Pully poncho/cape combination. We love us some Samuel L. Jackson, cause he uses our favorite word over and over, but this movie was just…awful. Unless you know absolutely nothing about the military. Then it get’s like a C+…
Rounding out number three on our list. Jarhead. There is so much to say about how bad Jarhead was whether its the abandonment on the battlefield, the celebratory fire around a bonfire…We just, we have almost literally no words to tell you how bad this movie is. Watch Generation Kill instead.
Number four on the movies we all love to hate. Pearl Harbor. How are you going to put a Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Kate Beckinsale love triangle in the middle of one of the most significant events of the 20th century and have it overshadow the event itself? That’s just wrong on so many levels. The movie had one bright spot, we could’ve watched Cuba Gooding Jr.’s portrayal of Doris Miller all damn day!
The fifth and final movie that is just atrocious Battle of the Bulge. “Hey Jim, what’s that coming for us, a German Tiger Tank?” “No Bob, that’s an M47 Patton.” How are you going to use a tank, named after a general that actually fought in this battle…and put it on the opposing side? Why? Makes us wonder what kind of military advisors they get on set. “Abrams or Panzer? Same difference, totally interchangeable.”
We suggest you check out the Best War Movies of All Time, lest you be induced into a 90-180 minute cringe session.