Life Hack: Air Travel
Why in the world do we have to do this? Shouldn’t it be common sense by this point? Seriously like who gets in their head to act like an idiot on an airplane? Here is a definitive list in case you forgot (because apparently, someone did, that’s why warning labels exist) of how not to act during air travel.
This first lifehack will ensure you live a lot longer, as long as you follow our close instructions. Don’t bum rush the cockpit. That’s a surefire way to either A) Get shot by an air marshal or B)Get your ass kicked by all of the passengers. May God help your soul if you’re flying Southwest, cause you’re probably going to die, or at least you’ll wish the air marshal had shot you. Be cool when you go to the restroom by the cockpit too. Nobody is in the mood for your jokes as you head towards the cockpit while we’re cruising at 35,000 feet. It’s not Showtime at the Apollo. Just go to the bathroom, wash your hands and go back to your seat.
The second lifehack, don’t try to open the emergency door mid-flight and claim you’re a deity. First of all, if you were a deity, you wouldn’t be on an airplane. You’d fly where ever you damn well please on your own. A female passenger, recently did this on a flight from San Francisco to Boise (to be fair who is going to Boise…, just kidding Idaho, you’re a super exciting potato state). This is another sure fire way to have the passengers simultaneously unite and collectively beat your ass.
Lifehack number three, don’t make bomb, fire or hijacking jokes. Look, we’re funny folks, we enjoy a good joke here and there. But also, at altitudes where we’d need a parachute, we kind of lose our sense of humor regarding the aforementioned jokes. Also, remember, you’re not that funny and the passengers will beat your ass…wholesale.
Look, guys, we wrote this because number two actually just happened. We know most of you guys know this, but seriously we still run into people as we travel that make jokes about doing any one of these. Don’t be that guy/gal. We’ve already got dibs on that. Also, you try to crash our plane we’ll choke you out with our phone charging cable. No doubt.