Fictional Military Personalities: Part One

If you’ve been in the military or spent a lot of time around the military, chances are you’ve heard these people talked about. These fictional military personalities, hell, some of you reading might actually be the people we talk about. Afterall, every single career field has its own distinctive jargon and lingo. Albeit a dialect of English that many may not be able to comprehend or dissect, but that’s why we’re here. To explain to you non-understanding folks who each of these people are so you can ensure you’re not one.

First off, our favorite and honorable mention. Uncle Sam. He was actually a real person sort of. Samuel Wilson, from New York. He donated supplies during the War of 1812. Those supplies were stamped with “U.S.” indicating government property, but given his generosity and his name, the moniker of Uncle Sam stuck. This is perhaps the cleanest and tamest of fictional military personalities. Be warned should you venture further.

Lance Corporal Schmuckatelli is the all-around f*** up. This guy could ruin a two-hour liberty chit by cramming seventy-two hours worth of debauchery into those two hours. In those two hours, he’d smoke some crack, shoot up heroin, get three strippers pregnant, get knocked out by a bouncer, get two D.U.I.s and then pass out for the remaining one hour and forty-five minutes. He is the reason your platoon or company never gets to do anything fun. He literally f***s it all up for everyone else and has a whole host of venereal diseases, some that haven’t even been named yet.

Mary Jane Rottencrotch is a hoe. There we said it. Mary Jane Rottencrotch is the eternal description of a girl back home that was basically the village bicycle. She was easier than playing tic tac toe against yourself. Whatever she has, she probably caught it from Lance Corporal Schmuckatelli and it has since mutated. Also she crazy. Don’t do it, don’t put your genitals in crazy.

Susie is your faithful gal back home. Or so she’d have you believe. Sometimes Susie is faithful and she shuts Jody down hardcore (you’ll learn about Jody in a minute). Sometimes Susie is kind of a whore, even though she pretends not to be. Susie turns out to be a Mary Jane Rottencrotch in disguise. If you’re lucky enough to find a good one though, don’t run her off, because Jody is waiting in the wings.

Jody, one of our least favorite fictional military personalities, is the guy that is laying serious pipe on your gal-pal back home. Or not, but he’s definitely sleeping with her. Definitely, a shoulder to cry on because you’re so far away and you don’t understand how hard it is on her without you being there, despite the fact you’re getting shot at, blown up, and living in miserable conditions. Jody will definitely comfort Susie, all while Susie says he’s just a friend, yeah just a friend that’ll be making the beast with two backs when you’ve only been gone for two weeks. That’s not even a long field op. C’mon Susie don’t be champ, not a tramp.

Mr. Murphy is the biggest asshole out of all the fictional military personalities. They are all true to who they are, and sometimes people make mistakes. Schmuckatelli, for instance, could be dumb, Mary Jane could have low self-esteem, Susie could be great, Jody probably is a beta male who can’t get girls when Alpha males are around, HOWEVER, none of them are as big of a prick as Mr. Murphy. Everything could be going well them boom, everything goes wrong! Your normally reliable piece of gear breaks and goes to shit. Firefight going well, guess what, you’re gonna have nothing but misfires. Mr. Murphy exists in his entirety to ruin anything and everything. Call in an artillery strike while under heavy fire? Mr. Murphy is going to guarantee that they heard the wrong coordinates and either miss or drop the artillery right on top of you. F*** Mr. Murphy, f***in asshole. Always be on the lookout for this prick. Cause he’s a REAAAAAAAL McAsshole!

fictional military personalities
Damnit Murphy!

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