Funny

Top 5 Tips For Outlasting a Hurricane 4/5 (1)

Hurricanes blow. Literally, they blow everything, whether a blade of grass of that stupid ass smart car, the gale force winds will pretty much pick up everything and throw it whichever way the wind blows. Again, literally.

We at American Grit are no strangers to hurricanes and have come up with a few tips for outlasting or downright beating the hurricane. As always we like to share these tips with you the reader, so you’re prepared. After all aren’t Webelo scouts always prepared?

 

Tip Number One: Be on high ground.
The next few tips are going to be entirely dependent on whether or not you’re…relatively safe. Ensure that you’re on high ground that way you don’t have to really…like swim or anything. You can just hunker down and follow our next few tips.

Tip Number Two: Have plenty of beer/alcohol on hand.
Look it’s going to blow no matter what (yes we’ll keep going back to that joke until we get tired of laughing at it), no sense in being sober while the hurricane is wrecking shit all over the coast.

Tip Number Three: Turn on your box fans.
In fact get your whole community and everyone around you to turn on your box fans, blow the hurricane back out over the Atlantic where it will die, just like your chances of not paying child support.

Tip Number Four: Yell at it.
If box fans don’t work, you could use hurtful words at an increased volume to yell at the hurricane. Let it know you’re not angry at it, just disappointed like your parents were of you. You know the feeling.

Tip Number Five: Get fat.
Yo. If you’re drunk and options three and four have been exhausted, then just eat. Make sure you’re stocked up on hot pockets, pizza rolls or potato chips and just sit around and get fat.

 

…We almost forgot one last tip, and it is just that, just the tip you wanted to hear. Get laid.

 

This is satire. If you take any of this seriously, may God have mercy on your ridiculously stupid, stupid, stupid, just what the f**k were you thinking dumbass soul. 

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The Author

John Fannin

John Fannin

John spent four years as a 0351, Infantry Assaulltman in the United States Marine Corps. He deployed twice to the city of Ramadi, Iraq with 3rd Battalion 7th Marines. After leaving the Marine Corps in 2008 John pursued a degree in Kinesiology from Texas Lutheran University. During his time at TLU, John was fortunate enough to play football for a year and serve the local community as a volunteer firefighter. After graduating John worked as a personal trainer for few years before coming to work at American Grit. John is also the proud owner of a great beard.