Top 5 Tips For Outlasting a Hurricane
Hurricanes blow. Literally, they blow everything, whether a blade of grass of that stupid ass smart car, the gale force winds will pretty much pick up everything and throw it whichever way the wind blows. Again, literally.
We at American Grit are no strangers to hurricanes and have come up with a few tips for outlasting or downright beating the hurricane. As always we like to share these tips with you the reader, so you’re prepared. After all aren’t Webelo scouts always prepared?
Tip Number One: Be on high ground.
The next few tips are going to be entirely dependent on whether or not you’re…relatively safe. Ensure that you’re on high ground that way you don’t have to really…like swim or anything. You can just hunker down and follow our next few tips.
Tip Number Two: Have plenty of beer/alcohol on hand.
Look it’s going to blow no matter what (yes we’ll keep going back to that joke until we get tired of laughing at it), no sense in being sober while the hurricane is wrecking shit all over the coast.
Tip Number Three: Turn on your box fans.
In fact get your whole community and everyone around you to turn on your box fans, blow the hurricane back out over the Atlantic where it will die, just like your chances of not paying child support.
Tip Number Four: Yell at it.
If box fans don’t work, you could use hurtful words at an increased volume to yell at the hurricane. Let it know you’re not angry at it, just disappointed like your parents were of you. You know the feeling.
Tip Number Five: Get fat.
Yo. If you’re drunk and options three and four have been exhausted, then just eat. Make sure you’re stocked up on hot pockets, pizza rolls or potato chips and just sit around and get fat.
…We almost forgot one last tip, and it is just that, just the tip you wanted to hear. Get laid.
This is satire. If you take any of this seriously, may God have mercy on your ridiculously stupid, stupid, stupid, just what the f**k were you thinking dumbass soul.