Are You A Basic Operator Bitch?
(Full disclosure. I am not an operator, I am a grunt. So if you are a Delta, SEAL, MARSOC, Sniper, Recon, Ranger operator…and you get your feelings hurt by this joke…that’s just embarrassing don’t you think?)
With fall just around the corner, basic operator bitches are starting to show up in droves. They love the foggy cool mornings for their photogenic, just enough sweat, yet perfect hair, morning runs with a 50-pound rucksack. The fog makes for a great feature photo/cover of their next tell-all Tier 1 Operator book about how to be a badass and kill everything with your pinky finger. You may find yourself curious if you’re a basic operator bitch as you find some of the previous sentences hitting a little too close to home.
Have no fear intrepid reader, we’ve got a nice checklist to go through so you can know if you’re a basic operator bitch.
Does your hair always fall perfectly into place no matter what you’re doing because of your assortment of high quality hair gel, leave in moisturizer, Tea Tree oil shampoo and conditioner? Ten mile run? One single strand of hair out of place for dramatic effect, but otherwise perfect? Coming out of the surf to assault an objective? Hair is red carpet ready? Does your hair blow romantically in the wash from the rotors of the helicopter but your beard stays perfectly still? If the answers to these questions were yes, you may not want to read further…
Do the scratches on your face seem to not bleed quite as much as they should as they are strategically placed to make you look tough, but not impair you or threaten your life in any way? Does your beard make you look like you fight grizzly bears to get your morning coffee? Do explosions seem to go off at just the right time in an unrealistic way, 100% of the time as you walk away?
Do you wear an off brand, Wal-Mart quality hat despite having a $14,000 carbine with the newest and most up to date optics and accessories? Is it highly advertised that you carry no less than three blades on your person at any given time along with your ultra high speed gun belt for the Glock you spent $3,000 customizing?
When you are asked to dress nice, does it involve tactical pants and your “not as bloody” boots?
Folks… If the answer to many of these questions was yes…you might just be a basic operator bitch. There is help. You can change. You can stop being a basic operator bitch. Instead of trying to look like the cover photo of Soldier of Fortune magazine, just be yourself. You don’t need a beard or a 20-year-old John Deere hat from Wal-Mart to prove your operator status…you just need to be able to hit your targets and not be a raging moron on tactics…and also have gone to one of the actual SpecWar schools…(that’s actually a really big deal)
You will, however, need all of the products for your hair. That actually is important.