Global Beer Shortage More Dangerous Than You Think

Well shit, there goes our weekend plans in about 80 years. Supposedly due to the changing climate, barley will be scarce near the turn of the century.

Look, this is actually a far more dangerous epidemic than originally thought, I mean honestly, how do you think you’ll pacify the thousands of bloodthirsty infantrymen in the U.S. Military without beer? There is a reason our military is only kept away from beer for relatively short periods of time. This could be far more dangerous than anticipated.

For instance, that’s why the Marine Corps only has 7 months of no beer. If you don’t give a Marine beer to calm him down at least once in a 7-month span, he’s gonna do his best impression of Ghengis Khan (directly responsible for like 40 million deaths). Marines will literally kill everything and make a new country called Chestyistan. Make no mistake either, through the Lance Corporal underground, they’ll probably be able to pilfer a nuclear weapon or two for Chestyistan.

More Dangerous

The Army, it may take a little longer, 13 months to be exact, but do you remember what the U.S. Army did to the German SS during World War 2? They literally made Hitler their bitch. They’ll probably become allies with Chestyistan as they establish their own country called Ranger Nation. Ranger Nation will supposedly lead the way in a lot of things, but only after Chestyistan did it, but didn’t tell everyone about it.

More Dangerous

Sailors need not worry as we’re sure that the Senior Chiefs have ways of…procuring their own spirits, via stills they will undoubtedly install on all ships should the beer run short. They will hold a steady alliance with Ranger Nation and Chestyistan.

The Air Force…sadly, won’t be afforded the opportunity to have as many ways to buy themselves into the cool club with Chestyistan and Ranger Nation. However, we have it on good authority that an expedition of delegates flying A-10’s will undoubtedly allow the airmen sanctuary in both Chestyistan and Ranger Nation. The Navy has asked if they can make a naval variant of said A-10 as it’s

“Just a really cool f***ing plane bro.” 

All of this will happen because of a beer shortage. Dire consequences folks, dire indeed. Unless you’re a citizen of those two nations, then…it’ll be more badass than a cheetah with a machine gun strapped to his back running around killing Boko Haram dudes.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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