Petty is as Petty Does

Two companies who you’d never assume would fight are duking it out in the pettiest way possible. Banning each other. Starbucks has announced that it will block users from accessing porn off it’s “free wifi” (it’s in quotes because we all know there is no such thing as free, you’re paying for the wifi by spending $20 on a cup of coffee worth 25 cents) beginning in 2019. In return, the porn mega giant YouPorn has banned its employees from drinking the products of Starbucks.

We have a few questions.

First off, who are the people getting their rocks off at Starbucks while sipping overpriced (albeit sometimes delicious) coffees, lattes, and macchiatos? It’s 2018, almost 2019, get a smartphone and go shame yourself in the privacy of your own home.

Second question, where is this happening? Because if there is a rule against it, you know it’s because someone did it.

Three, judging by what happens after we drink coffee in the morning, why would you potentially want people in PORN, to be drinking coffee? Call us prudes, but we think that might ruin the scene.

Four, does YouPorn really employ enough people to make Starbucks feel the pain? By employ, we don’t mean that homemade stuff you and your girlfriend submitted that one time on pre-deployment leave.

Starbucks YouPorn

Five, how is YouPorn going to ensure their employees don’t order Starbucks coffee to make at home?

Banning things almost always (always) creates a black market for that item. Don’t YouPorn and Starbucks understand human nature? Now that both of these things are respectively banned by each other, hordes of people will try to find ways to circumvent each respective ban.

If you thought that Starbucks at YouPorn was a problem before and that too many people were watching porn at Starbucks, just you wait and see! This will certainly end horribly for people just trying to enjoy their green tea and catch up on the morning news at their local Starbucks.

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