Ticonderoga Guided Missile Cruiser USS Chancellorsville Tells China “No Balls”

As the USS Chancellorsville made its way through the South China Sea this week, the taunts over the PA system made their mission clear. Show China who is really king of the seas. As they sailed, the ship blared the words, “You ain’t gonna do shiiiiiiiiiit,” over and over as the guided-missile cruiser made its way through the strategic waterway that China claims are its territorial waters. China has tried to reinforce this claim by building a bunch of islands that they say are “Totally not so we can attack Taiwan or be total assholes to everyone.”

The presence of a Chinese naval ship that shadowed the Chancellorsville only seemed to provoke more shit talking from whatever sailor had control of the PA system. The sailors of the Chinese ship shadowing them were understandably upset over being called out and not being able to actually do anything about it.

“Do something! No balls!” The PA blared calling out the Chinese ship shadowing them.

“They know we won’t do anything because they could immediately put us on the bottom of the ocean, and so they taunt us, it never ends.” 

Things got even worse for the Chinese navy as apparently the helmsman and the sailor talking shit, got into a groove and the Chancellorsville actually did a little dance (if you can call a ship that displaces 9,600 tons rocking back and forth to the beat of the trash talk dancing) as the PA operator continued his tirade quoting the popular 2004 Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz hit “What U Gon’ Do” insinuating that what the Chinese Navy would do would be shit. They weren’t going to do shit.

Another day, another dollar, another ship that made Beijing holler…for us to stop “provoking them and to totally leave them alone, because we’re being bullies and totally uncool.” At least that’s what our source at the Pentagon told us the Peoples Liberation Army Navy said in a classified communique.

The Pentagons response was on par with the Chancellorsville, telling Beijing that “You ain’t gonna do shiiiiiiiiiit.”

 

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