Application for New Secretary of Defense
On January 1st, 2019, Patrick M. Shanahan took over as acting Secretary of Defense. Ugh. As many stated on the official Facebook page for the secretary of defense, “You’re not our real dad!!”, or “We won’t call you dad even if there’s a fire!” We don’t know much about ol’ Patrick, but one thing is certain, he’s no Mattis. We feel in that regard that we should find a worthy applicant to take his spot. If you feel like you could do a better job, please print off and fill out the form below and frame it, because well, we don’t have that kind of pull with the White House, duh.
Here is the updated version of the application for the position of SecDef.
Application for Secretary of Defense
Name: (First name) (Last name)
DOB (MM/DD/YYYY): ___________
Combat Experience: Y/N
If yes, where and when?:
Can you perform a proper knife hand?: Y/N/What is a knife hand?
Is the Military to be used as a social experiment? Y/N
If yes, can we have some of your drugs? Y/N
If no, please explain why you’re so selfish?
Are you a traitorous sumbitch? Y/N
Given these four statements, please select the one that most accurately describes the mission of the United States military.
A) Promoting a peaceful and harmonious utopian and egalitarian society free of prejudice and hate.
B) Kill everyone who threatens America.
C) Have a really neat parade.
D) Look really dope in uniforms.
E) B &C
F) E was a trick, you told us to pick one statement, not two.
What causes you worry and stress?
C) Kool-Aid Man
D) Nothing, I cause worry and stress.
Do you have a plan to deal with China?: Y/N
Do you have a plan to deal with Russia?: Y/N
Will you tell us all if aliens actually exist?: Y/N
Can you grow a beard that would put Gandalf to shame? Y/N
While the chances of you getting the job are slim due to the applicant Tim Nattis, you should still apply. Who knows what will happen?