Colorado Man Drowns After Fighting Mountain Lion
Drowns in you know what if you get my drift (hint hint wink wink). Yes, the misleading title is misleading, but if you don’t let us have a little fun with our clickbaity type headlines, then what are we allowed to do? Nothing. We see you out there trying to rob us of our fun and enjoyment, your desire to make us bland like all other news agencies. To you folks, we say “Booooooo!”
A Colorado man was out for a nice jog to stay in shape Monday morning, hopefully, to land the gaze of a certain female admirer or several, we don’t know his life or his prowess, just that the guy wanted to stay in shape for any number of reasons and maybe attracting a cute lady friend was one of them. That’s not a crime unless of course, you’re a mountain lion who found himself thinking;
“F*** that guy, I’m hungry and I’m going to eat him.”
The mountain lion attacked our healthy young man from behind. Wow. What a little bitch ass coward mountain lion. You’ve got claws and teeth and all that shit and the runner has like…some New Balances and an iPod or some shit. That lion should be ashamed of himself for his cowardly attack. He probably would be too, if it weren’t for the fact that he is now dead. Like dead dead, not like,
“Oh I’m limping off and may die from my wounds, I shouldn’t have attacked that dude.”
Nope! Homeboy out for his run is apparently the GD Beastmaster and f***ed this 80-pound mountain lion up. He was not without injury though, but not so severely injured that he couldn’t make it back to his vehicle and drive himself to the hospital, where after telling his story had to fight off another group of cougars…although these were armed with clipboards, stethoscopes and wore various colored scrubs camouflage.
He eventually succumbed to the cougars at the hospital though, there were too many of them and he was already tired. Everyone, remember our unnamed Colorado man who fought a mountain lion but drowned nonetheless. He is expected to live, quite happily ever after we’re assuming as well.