Military Unsure How To Act In Peacetime (SATIRE)

With the removal of troops from Afghanistan and Syria expected to take place relatively soon and the overwhelming public opinion that we should not get into Venezuela, the United States military finds itself unsure how to conduct business during peacetime. Each of the branches are handling the stressors of peacetime in a different way. It’s a brave new world that these men and women will find themselves in and certainly, there are going to be a few missteps along the way.

We conducted interviews with various service members spanning the width and breadth of military occupational specialties across all four services. There are some concerns for not only the troop welfare but the welfare of the planet as well. Who knew the military could be so green and economical?

With wars and ground combat drawing down, we expect the grunts to be the hardest hit by this new fangled idea called “peace”.

“I mean dude, 15 years ago when I first joined up, we were killing people left and right. It was glorious and we truly did our best to turn Iraq back into the garden of Eden. You know…cause of what makes the green grass grow. Now…the place will just go back to being a miserable f***ing desert. All that work, for nothing. Bullshit!”
– Staff Sergeant Richard Harden (USA, Infantry)

We were going to get a statement from infantry Marines as well, but when we got to the barracks they were all wearing woobie loincloths and cooking several crows they had caught outside the barracks on an open fire in the common area…we decided to leave them be.

One pilot from the Air Force had some reservations about peacetime as well.

“With the growing ‘climate crisis’, we can’t afford to not bomb people back into the stone age. More and more shit countries are getting cars and increasing their carbon footprint. We were doing our part by blowing them to kingdom come, now what’s going to happen?”
-Captain Mike “Ox” Long

The Navy was unsure what to do with all of their free time as well.

“I mean…do we just like…do what the Air Force does during wartime? Play golf and go to banquets? We’re really confused here.”
– Chief Petty Officer Angela Stevens

 

 

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