Zoo Where Patron Attacked By Jaguar To Improve Security (SATIRE)

Categories: Funny, News, Satire

The zoo where the selfie-taking patron was attacked by a jaguar, Wildlife World Zoo in Arizona, is seeking to improve it’s security measures so that an incident like this never occurs again. In a meeting early Wednesday morning, the zoo staff outlined a plan to ensure that both the animals and the people visiting the zoo will be able to share the space in a responsible and safe manner. We spoke with one zoo employee who wished to remain anonymous due to the possible backlash against them for the zoos new policy.

“We’re just going to start discriminating based on if you look like a dumb f*** or not. It really is a simple plan, if one of our security personnel or ticket booth personnel feel that you’re going to be a huge pain in the ass and try to jump in the enclosure with the animals, we’re just going to outright ban you from the zoo. Your dumb ass can’t come anymore.”

While this is a fantastic plan and definitely keeps everyone safe, there are bound to be dumb f***s that make it through the screening process. How the zoo plans on dealing with them is another story altogether.

“Well, obviously you can’t prevent all dumb f***s from getting into the zoo. Despite being a dumbshit, many of these people disguise themselves well enough to blend in with the general population. In the event that this occurs and some dumb f*** jumps into an enclosure with one of our apex predators, we will simply let the apex predator have its way with the dumbass. If the dumbshit jumps into an enclosure with a more docile creature, we will be putting the patron down. I know it seems harsh, but truthfully, if you’re dumb enough to jump in an enclosure, you pretty much deserve what you’re getting.”

…and children?

“We’ll be putting down the parents after rescuing the child and finding parents that give a shit enough to pay attention to their kids.”

When asked for any closing comments the anonymous employee said…

“Rest In Peace Harambe.”

 

Know what we're sayin fam?

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