A Psychic Red Army?
So. This is one of those times where I have to be very clear…this is not satire. In an official, all t’s crossed all i’s dotted, military publication for the Russian military, the reserve officer Colonel Nikolai Poroskov asserted that Russian troops have psychic abilities they learned from dolphins. No, no you read that right. The article, “Super-Soldier for the Future Wars”, was published in February, so unless they do their April Fool’s jokes in February…this is a real thing…not the psychic abilities…the belief that all Russian soldiers have the capability to utilize psychic powers.
Personally, I want to dabble into the area where it says that they learned this shit from dolphins. Did Flipper just swim up one day and say
“Hey comrade, let me teach you this cool thing so you can beat capitalist pig dogs for once!” Or was it more of the Russian soldier winking at the dolphin in a back alley saying “Hey Dolphin…psst, hey Dolphin, over here you got any psychic power you wanna teach me?”
Either way, it seems like a really shady drug deal, I mean have you seen the videos of Russians doing shit on Facebook? Driving cars? Getting a sandwich, grocery shopping…it all looks a little bit shady, but I guess that’s kind of what you get when you’re the Diet Soviet Union.
Anyways moving on.
The purported talents of these soldiers include the ability to see through men and find out their deepest darkest secrets and weaknesses…is this a movie? Did the guy accidentally publish a sci-fi script in an Army publication? No? Damn, what a weirdo. There is also no defense against this interrogation technique that will supposedly produce viable intelligence like 100% of the time.
It’s not all sickles and hammers though, many Russian scientists have come out against the article insinuating that it is contributing towards climate change as it is one big heaping pile of cow shit. At bad of a writer as I may be, I’m never going to seriously assert that any of our troops learned how to be psychic warriors from dolphins…we learn it from our hippies.
Know what we're sayin fam?
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