Lance Corporal Tries to Skate Out Of The End Of The World

Categories: Funny, Satire

A young Lance Corporal stationed in Twentynine Palms with the 7th Marine Regiment has made headlines as he tries to skate out of the end of the world/World War 3. It’s not that he’s cowardly he insists, he has his reasons. Lance Corporal Donald T. Giftuufuchs has said on multiple occasions that he “ain’t down for this bullshit”.

So we reached out to Lance Corporal Giftuufuchs and asked him what the f*** his problem was and what exactly this “bullshit” was. His answers may shock you. Please, read and proceed with caution.

“Look, I’m no coward, I want to fight, but ever since that hazi…training incident that left me a Lance Corporal instead of Corporal, the company Gunny and First Sergeant have been blackballin’ me. World War 3 is supposed to be lit as hell, but I’ll probably be back in the rear with the gear, so yeah, I’m skatin’ outta that bullshit.” 

Despite assuring him that a FOB would probably be attacked and he could do his best impression of John Wick, Don, as he asked to be called reiterated his points.

“I’m probably gonna be guarding some stupid MREs or some shit while ICBMs are raining down on my position. I’m not down for that weak shit. Maneuver warfare bro, don’t stick me in a fixed position. Put a Ma Deuce on a JLTV and let me play some Commies the song of my people, 0331s.”

It was clear we were getting nowhere with Lcpl Giftuufuchs, he was dead set on skating, the only question we had left was where he learned to skate so well.

“0351s man. Those dudes skated out of everything. Sad to see them go, shoulda gotten rid of 0352s instead, they get promoted for signing their name, but I don’t make the decisions, obviously, else I’d be building a wall of Commie slapdicks circa Frank Miller’s version of “300”. Shit’d be dope.”

We wish Lance Corporal Don T. Giftuufuchs luck and hope that he either he finds success in his skating or his staff NCOs relent and let him play the .50 like Buddy Rich played the drums.

 

Know what we're sayin fam?

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