Warning Label on GAU-5 Survival Rifles

Categories: Funny, Military, News

The Air Force has committed to upgrading the weapons inside the survival kit of ejection seats for pilots as well as other aircrew members, the GAU-5 survival rifle is similar to the CAR-15 or Colt Commando versions of the M-16 service rifle. The upgrade comes as the United States is set to face off against near-peer level adversaries where air supremacy is not a guarantee from the get-go. It’s going to have to be earned and pilots may be shot down behind enemy lines. The GAU-5 is designed to give those downed aircrew members a little bit more punch than the standard M-9 Beretta.

That being said, we did a little thinking…and digging and found the warning label that should probably most likely definitely be put on the GAU-5 if not addressed repeatedly via PowerPoint so no one ever forgets what the ‘warning label’ says. The text is as follows:

“This weapon albeit an upgrade from your M9, does not, we repeat does not mean you can be Billy Badass like all of the fighter pilots in the movies who are not only fighter pilots but also Navy SEALs, Marine Corps Snipers/Recon/Raiders, Army Rangers/Special Forces/CAG, Air Force Pararescue. You are a pilot. You fly planes and shoot planes and bomb targets. The addition of this GAU-5, no matter how cool it looks, does not suddenly enable you to shoot the dick off of a fly at 1000 meters. That’s not an actual real thing that can happen. You should know this, you’re smart, you’re in the Air Force. 

Furthermore, this weapon does carry more ammo than your M9, however, it is not unlimited like in the movies. You will run out of ammo. Pick your shots wisely, and remember, that there are like 50 dudes with weapons similar to yours looking for you. Only shoot if you must. Otherwise, focus on getting to a place you can defend and rescuers can find you.

End state. You are not f***ing John Wick, nor Grey Worm, nor Rambo, nor Chuck Norris. Act accordingly with that information.” 

 

 

…probably.

 

 

Know what we're sayin fam?

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3 thoughts on “Warning Label on GAU-5 Survival Rifles

    1. 1a : something said or done to provoke laughter
      especially : a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist
      b(1) : the humorous or ridiculous element in something
      (2) : an instance of jesting : KIDDING
      can’t take a joke