Jealous Iran

Categories: Funny, Satire

If we’re looking for answers as to why tensions have heated up in the last two weeks with Iran, it’s due to one fact and one fact alone. See, the United States is a pretty popular guy/gal. We get around a lot. It’s not our best quality, but we are who we are. Recently, due to all the sand in unmentionable places, we’ve been trying to get out of our flings in the Middle East. It was nice for a while because the countries we were in…were easy, Iraq..it was our second date and we got inside. Afghanistan, the second date as well. While we have turned both Afghanistan and Iraq into defeats, it wasn’t for lack of stackin’ mad bodies or the ease with which those bodies dropped.

We’ve moved on though. Venezuela is way prettier, as are China and Russia, and despite whatever issues those three countries have, we’re not going to get sand literally everywhere during our intimate times. So like all ugly gals at the party, Iran lashed out. Mad that we spent all of our time in the Middle East in Iraq being their Baghdaddy and setting up shop in Afghanistan at Bang ‘Em Airbase.

We just wanted to say this to Iran…Iran…it’s not us, it’s you. Sure we slummed it for a little while with Iraq and Afghanistan and through that slumming and dark period in our life, we may have hinted that you might have a chance to get us in you. But the truth is…Iran…you’re ugly, and we’re tired of getting sand in our taint after “relations”.

So if you could please, stop attention whoring around thinking you’re going to convince us to make a bad decision and go back to slummin’ it in the Middle East…we’d appreciate that. We’re focused on our relationship with Venezuela, China and Russia now…they promised that they all might participate at once if we play our cards right…we just can’t pass up that opportunity for an old and easy sure thing fling.

Iran we hope you understand, please stop calling us and threatening us, just you know, let us go. If you’ll be cool, we’ll be cool.

 

Know what we're sayin fam?

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