U.S. Ranks Rankings Of Experts

Categories: Funny, Stories

We see it all the time. Experts or rather should we say “experts” rank the countries of the world on several things…gun violence, safety for kids, education…you know a proverbial shitstorm of various and diverse subjects. Often times, the United States gets a dismal rating from the rest of the world and the “experts”. A few of us here at the Ferguson-Unger Center for Knowledge and Understanding (you figure out the acronym) decided to rank some of the rankers as we feel that there has been possibly some unjust bias against the United States.

We’ve decided on a few areas where we’ve ranked…not so great, and decided to look closer and maybe give some balance to these “expert” opinions.

First, we decided to tackle education. The United States currently doesn’t rank very well according to “experts”. In fact, according to them, we’re a bunch of dummies who can’t get enough of Kim Kardashian’s booty, shows about one man, dating multiple women at a time or one woman, dating multiple men at a time, then having the nerve to call it reality TV. Ok, that is pretty dumb. But truth be told, if we’re so dumb, how come every other nation comes to our universities to steal tech for their nations? “Well, that’s university, not public school.” Yo, where do you think those kids are coming from? We may have some dumb kids, but we have plenty of smart ones too.

Our Grade On The Experts: D (gonna get a lot of D today experts, you gonna learn today) 

Gun violence…oh this one is tricky. Nobody wants any innocents to be killed by a gun, a knife, a car, hair dryer in the bathtub…we don’t want innocents killed. HOWEVER, BIG FACTS COMING THROUGH. We do like to shoot dudes that are trying to harm or steal from relatively innocent folks (we know nobody is really innocent, right and you’re really fun at parties). It’s a good idea to shoot bad guys, it dissuades others from such morally reprehensible actions if you catch my drift *cough*deathpenaltyforrapistsandchildmolestors*cough*.

Our Grade On The Experts: D

Last but not least. Quality of the country. Everyone else can #GEAD. We’ve put men on the moon, actually nuked a country…twice, pioneered research in numerous scientific fields, invented the internet, and have lifted more people out of poverty than any other nation in the history of the world. Our poverty line starts eighteen times higher than the world poverty rate. Our poor people are some of the richest in the world. We donated, in the fiscal year 2017 alone, almost $50 billion in total foreign aid.

Our Grade On The Experts: FFFFF^FFF

We’re not perfect by any means and we’ve got tons of room for improvement, but all these “experts” can go fornicate a goat.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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