It seems like there is a lull in recruiting now that the services are drawing down and the wars are pretty much over and we’re not sure who we’re going to free next. But…the United States needs brave men and women to join the ranks and be the next generation of warfighters to preserve our republic. Therefore, harkening back to the late ’90s we’re going help out and give the branches their next and most honest (according to some civilians) recruiting campaign/slogan thingy.
Recruiting people to go kill people and possibly get killed or maimed is a difficult job. The pay isn’t great and the risk is huge, but we think we’ve got it all sorted out. There are some promising
lies…options recruiters can give these days and truth be told, we might even re-enlist if they take some of these seriously and run with it.
It helps if you read these all with that famous movie preview voice.
United States Navy:
Everyone is a SEAL!
You might find yourself asking, who drives the big boats and flies the airplanes…SEALs that’s who. EVERYONE YOU KNOW IN THE NAVY IS A SEAL AND YOU CAN BE ONE TOO! (doubtful)
United States Air Force:
Everyone Get’s an F-22
The Oprah of the military branches, if you want something the Air Force will get it for you! From the newest airman to the highest general, what else does the Air Force exist for except making really cool movies with awesome dogfights…oh wait that was the Navy…shit.
United States Army:
16 Million Different Uniforms…and Counting
None of them look great, but there are a lot to choose from and we can’t make up our minds, so there will be 20 more that come out next week. If you want a wardrobe full of new clothes that you don’t theoretically have to pay for, the United States Army is for you! (You will actually have to buy all your uniforms and other essential material)
United States Marine Corps:
Dress Blues. That’s It. Just Dress Blues.
It’s a tricky situation in the dating world, but if you want to be absolutely sure you have consent, rock the world renowned dress blues of the United States Marine Corps. Dress blues turn a -10 into a 15 and that’s on a scale of 1-5. If you’re ugly but can fight and drink and go to the chow hall in pajamas and not use proper sentence structure or speling and let everyone within a 10-mile radius know that you’re a Marine, we’re taking aplicashuns.
United States Space Force:
Swear to god we’re real, but you’re going to need like at least one Ph.D. in Astrophysics, Particle Physics, or Aeronautical Engineering to join.
United States Coast Guard:
Drugs. We have a lot of drugs.
You can’t use any of them, but you can look at them and take them..oh and we’re not DoD, we’re DoH…what are we even doing here?