Extremely Dangerous Weapon Accessories

Categories: Funny, Satire

Folks it should be no surprise to you that firearms come with a wide range of accessories that can either be installed in the factory or can be purchased after the fact. These dangerous objects, despite being inanimate and having neither the ability to move or act on their own, are some of the most dangerous things the world has ever seen, possibly even more dangerous than a nuclear weapon. So if you hear your pro-gun friends talking about getting one of these, be sure to cower in fear, overreact and completely miss the joke that is your understanding of firearms and firearm accessories.

Firstly, we’d like to point out that these accessories cost money. They are not cheap. If you want to have a weapon capable of destroying the world or going full Iron Man on some rogue state dictator mofo, hen you’re going to have to pony up some cash money. Just be advised, these accessories are not cheap.

The Ghost Bullet Button: $4500
The Ghost Bullet Button creates out of thin air, new bullets with every trigger squeeze so you not only never run out of ammo, but you get two rounds for one with every trigger squeeze. This is a beginner accessory.

Lightsaber Bayonet Lug & Power Supply: $15000
Since we haven’t shrunk down the technology as they did in Star Wars, the power supply and cord for your lightsaber bayonet lug are going to cost you a pretty penny. Also, you’re going to have to be strong and get certified through the Atomic Energy Commission so you can lug around a “Man-Portable” nuclear reactor and about 4-5 feet of power cable running from the pack to your bayonet lug so that your lightsaber bayonet will turn on when you need it most.

Molecular Decibal Reducing Suppressor: $25000
This thing…whoa. It takes the sound waves created by the explosion and on a molecular level, disrupts them. No, it doesn’t make sense as sound waves aren’t particles or molecules, but waves, but who needs facts when dealing with such dangerous pieces of equipment. This one will set you back a solid $25K though, so start dumping change in that old water jug from Ozarka.

Integrated Caliber And Rate of Fire Optimization and Escalation Barrel: $50000
This one is probably the coolest of them all. Swap out your normal barrel on any firearm, any firearm at all pistol, rifle, musket, lever action, shotgun…you name it, for this barrel and it will automatically optimize the caliber and rate of fire for your given situation. Home defense with one intruder? Semi-automatic 12 gauge double ought buckshot. Multiple intruders? .300 Blackout. Invasion by a Communist horde? .50 caliber f-u-l-l a-u-t-o baby. Mow them Commies down. Couple this with the Ghost Bullet Button and you can slay all day!

Heat Seeking Fifth Element Seeker Scope: $150000
If you never want to miss, it’s going to come at a price. Being a good shot isn’t hard, but it does take time and patience to get really good. Who has time for that these days? Nobody, so if you can pony up the $150K to purchase this optic, you can spray in every single direction and through a telepathic connection with the optic, you can direct each round to impact exactly where you want it. Commie? Straight to the dome. Sex Offender? Straight to the genitals, then the dome. It works like a dream.

Imagine being all alone versus a Commie horde and you’ve purchased all these wonderful attachments, you will certainly be the hero that humanity gets, just not the one they deserve!

 

 

 

 

Know what we're sayin fam?

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10 thoughts on “Extremely Dangerous Weapon Accessories

  1. Is this a over kill. You can purchase silencer. The don’t work that way but ok…
    Highend optics may run you 2k at most.
    The ghost button only exist in movies. Why they only reload after a couple million shots.

    Finely my last thought………
    You are a tRump supporter.

    1. High end optics runs $2k at most? I guess thermals don’t exist then because most of them are $3k+. Hell, Newcon has a thermal that costs $17k.

  2. I’m really surprised you left out the Fully Autonomous A.I. Death Controller. Your gun can’t “kill people” without this attachment. All you have to do is set the parameters and open your front door, your gun will kill whatever you set it for. It’s very expensive at $500k for the base model but imagine being able to take care of business from the comfort of your lazy boy.