Military Not Sure Who Dad Is After Defense Secretaries Keep Leaving

Categories: Funny, News, Satire

“It’s hard man. Like…we get attached to these SecDefs, they come in and they date our government for a while. We get super attached and think, yeah man, this time…this time it’ll be different, we’ll get someone really cool who wants to give us new weapons and bombs. Someone who wants to make us deadlier and more violenter *sobbing* we just…then they leave and there is this big empty void where the affection they showered upon us with weapons and targets used to be.”- Spc. A. Scond.

“First we were like…All Hail CHAOS Actual…we thought he was going to stay. We thought…he…*sobs* he said he would teach us how to knife hand mofos to death, but then he left…” – PFC (3rd award) Y. Lief

With the departure of Mattis came a new SecDef…Shanahanahanahan….we may have added one too many hanahans…anyways, dude is pretty milk toast, no way he’d leave us, he was too much of a square. The only good part was we figured he was so out of his element, he’d just keep doing what OG daddy Mattis was doing…

But alas…now he’s leaving too and now Secretary of the Army Mark Esper is taking over.

“We just want someone *sobs* we just want someone who will stay and make sure that when the time comes to kill Commies again that *sobs* we have the coolest shit to kill them with. Not like that moron that tried to attack the courthouse in Dallas, we want the good shit. We want a war daddy that will stay with us and not leave again.” Staff Sergeant Jackson 

Now the warriors wait for the inevitable excuse Esper will use to leave warriors without their war-daddy. At least he spent some time in the Army…maybe he’ll stay. Maybe he’ll love them for the violence they can create…maybe he’ll bring new high explosives and weapons…maybe…finally we’ll have a SecDef that loves us enough to stay.



…At least until the next administration or some shit.


Know what we're sayin fam?

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