US Uses Cyber Attacks On Iran

Often times, the best solutions to problems are the simplest solutions. We all know as the complexity of an object or task increases, the likelihood of something failing increases. That’s why it’s best to keep things simple and stupid. Also, it helps the Marines follow along and participate.

Instead of a devastating missile attack which will certainly have devastating effects, the United States opted for cyber attacks. Thanks to our totally made up sources at the Pentagon, we’ve learned some details about the attack.

A virus that forces the user to complete “Oregon Trail” without losing any members of their party before they can continue to use their operating system infected several Iranian military servers. This solution, while seemingly juvenile and ineffective has actually kept Iranian defenses down for…well we’re getting one of those fake reports from our made-up source in the Pentagon again. We’re being told that the entire Iranian defense grid has been offline since the attacks. Nobody has made it past Independence Rock without losing at least one party member.

The game was not modified in the least. These dudes just suck at it.

Further military strikes would be unnecessary as Iran now knows that its entire military is incompetent because they can’t accomplish what most elementary school students accomplished by the 4th grade. We have effectively shown the world their weakness, and since we are the bigger guy, and the better guy…we’re going to just walk away. There is nothing left for us to prove.

While the gameplay remained unmodified, one thing was changed. Upon the death of a party member, the screen changes and displays in giant flashing letters “YOU FAILED”, then a bunch of dicks just start falling circa victory in the card game Solitaire.

It is not merely enough to defeat your enemy, you must humiliate them as well.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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