Area 51 Chronicles: The Day Of Kyle
Categories: Definitely Fiction, Funny
A gentle rumbling roused our hero. His eyes cracked open and he began to survey the scene around him. Many lay dead and dying. There were wounds from terrestrial and extraterrestrial weapons alike. He’d been knocked unconscious and left for dead by the defenders of Groom Lake. The heat was more intense now, even though the sun had begun to set on the area…the fires from explosions added to the already blistering heat of the Mojave Desert. But he…Kyle…he was alive. Somehow.
He faintly recalled the moments before going unconscious, thousands of them descended from the mountains, running as if there were no tomorrow. For many of them, there wouldn’t be. But he was lucky. As he struggled to stand he noticed that an explosion had knocked a hole in the perimeter of the defenses surrounding Groom Lake and the infamous Area 51. Bodies of both attacker and defender lay strewn about. He needed to rehydrate, he could feel his strength waning as he made his way towards the breach. Surely there had to be a dining facility nearby…with vending machines…and…the one thing he needed…Monster.
As Kyle stumbled through the breach, he could still hear sounds of gunfire in the distance. The Karen’s were putting up one hell of a fight, despite the fact they were doomed. They were indeed speaking to the manager…but the manager was not what they thought it would be. Rather it was a heavily fortified area composed of interlocking fields of fire with both M-2 .50 caliber machine guns and M-134 mini-guns. The “Manager” was letting the Karens have it.
Kyle made his way to the nearest building, hoping for sanctuary from this godforsaken inferno. Red warning lights flashed, indicating a power outage. The electrical system had been taxed and power was now in the hands of generators…for how long though, how much fuel did they have left…no matter…he needed to know. Were we alone in the universe? Nothing could stop his insatiable thirst for that forbidden knowledge…and Monster of course.
Searching frantically for a vending machine, Kyle made his way through the building. Twisting, turning, stairwell and corridor after corridor he followed the signs to the break room…the vending machines were offline and wouldn’t accept the change his mother had given him when she dropped him off right before the assault.
He summoned the last of his strength and punched as hard as he could through the machine. He ripped a gleaming black can of Monster from the debris and immediately chugged it. He could feel his strength returning. His senses were heightened. Two more…three more…he chugged them down as fast as he could. Only when he had drunk the last of this meager supply did he notice the banging that reverberated through the walls.
What was it?
He set out to find the source of the incessant racket. It penetrated his head and he needed it to stop!
Down more nondescript and dull hallways he roamed, getting closer, ever closer to the sound.
Finally, he arrived at the source…sort of. Before him lay an armored door. It was locked down due to the power outages…he’d have to punch his way through. But this was no drywall. This was a reinforced adamantium and vibranium alloy…it didn’t matter.
He punched and punched for what seemed like hours. Punch after punch denting the door ever so slightly until…one punch made it through. Fueled by his success and about 15 Monster energy drinks Kyle kept going until the hole was large enough for him to crawl through. It didn’t have to be large after all Kyle was only 5’5” and 140 lbs.
There before him lay a chamber. Aliens did exist. A family of them. We weren’t alone. They were held back by some sort of strange slightly transparent material he’d never seen. As he ran his hands across the wall, he felt something familiar…this material…it was some sort of advanced drywall…
He motioned to the creatures from beyond to stand back. He pummeled the wall like Bruce Banner on cocaine and meth. The wall crumbled under his mighty caffeine-fueled blows.
With the barrier down, the family of extraterrestrials walks out, what appeared to be the eldest among them spoke out.
“Thank you for setting us free. We’ve been down here for nearly 70 of your Earth years. Your government held us captive and tortured us daily for secrets on weaponry and interstellar travel. We don’t know how much longer we’d have been able to resist. Certainly, we were close to our breaking point. You have saved us and we owe you a debt that cannot ever be repaid.”
Who would have thought, that he, just a lowly, drywall punching Kyle, would be the one to spread the news to the world, that we…we are not alone in the Universe.
Know what we're sayin fam?
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