Area 51 Chronicles: The Karen Assault

Categories: Funny, Satire, Totally Made Up And Not True

The sun had reached it’s highest point in the desert sky. Hundreds of thousands of Karens stood ready in their battle lines. Their short-cropped hair was just long enough to keep the intense inferno from burning their necks. They awaited the signal. The sound of 1 million cans of Monster being cracked at exactly the same time by the friendly Kyles on their southern flank. It was quiet, save for the jingle of their obnoxiously large complex earings moved by a slight breeze.

Even the breeze was hot…and there was a smell…BO from the hundreds of thousands of virgins who had no idea how to bathe moved through the lines. It was like a fart from Satan’s asshole. It didn’t bother the Karens though. They were focused.

Opposing them were the staunch defenders of Area 51. Men and women of the Air Force who thought their choice of service would put them comfortably distant from harm’s way. How could they have known an internet joke would take on a life of its own? How could they have known two years ago, they’d be called upon to withstand an assault of this magnitude.

No words were spoken in the trenches either. Just the slight jingle of boxes of ammunition carried by runners, continually making their way to the front lines from the enormous ammunition depot.

Both sides secretly hoped that what they were seeing was a mirage brought upon by the temperature…Karen’s weather app said it was 135 degrees Fahrenheit. The mercury in the thermometers in the defensive trenches read the same…the heavy steel of the weapons radiated the heat amongst the troops. Their body armor and helmets only intensified the blistering heat.

*crack hissssss* The Kyles had all opened their Monsters and the echo washed across the desolate wasteland like a tsunami.

One last deep breath…the horde surged forward in unison. The earth trembled slightly and the defenders made last-minute adjustments to their weapon systems. The Karens would be in range in 30…20…10…5…4…3…2…1.

All at once a furious display of firepower began to mow down the Karens. It was a sight to behold. The Karens though, the complaining…it soon started to take effect and some defenders started fleeing from the incessant bitching and complaining.

“You call that marksmanship, I want to speak to your Commanding Officer!”

“Don’t you know I pay your salary, how dare you shoot me, I need to talk to your supervisor.”

“These weapons are not killing us quickly enough, I want to talk to my congressman/senator!”

You may think the fight one-sided due to the M-2 and M-134 weapon systems, but the complaining…there were so many of them and it was so annoying, it’s surprising anyone stayed to man the line…but there was an unlikely hero for the defenders…3M apologetic for their fuck up with the earplugs, made combat earplugs that worked and the defenders hastily equipped them. 3M’s only request was that everyone drop the lawsuit against them…fair enough.

With the earplugs in, the defenders pushed back the wall of Karens, firing on cyclic until the barrels literally melted. Then they switched to their service weapons till the surge had stopped.

While most Karens died on the field, some had made it into the lines, but they were cut down by a-gunners manning shotguns…the defenders hoped that the other sections had faired this well…

The sun began to set and out of it came the most brilliant pink, purple, orange and red sunset that Groom Lake had ever seen…also visible was a blood moon.

If it weren’t for the walls of bodies and the random fire into Karens still trying to see the CO…it would have been beautiful.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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6 thoughts on “Area 51 Chronicles: The Karen Assault

  1. You know that at least a few Karen’s got nailed by lower enlisted Chads and got pregnant. Then they got married, giving birth to a new generation of Kyles.

  2. Nah, those aren’t Karens. You know that girl pictured is named Vicki. And all the Vicki’s at just going to walk up there and say “EXCUSE ME!”

  3. Damnit I wanted to fill the stars one by one with my five star vote, now I can’t undo my pathetic one star vote