Some may think we’re going to talk about your rifle, your service weapon, old reliable (as long as you filthy shits cleaned your weapon), but we’re not. Certainly, we don’t want to discredit or do a disservice to the service rifle as it is aptly important, but it’s not the most important. Rather the most important piece of gear ever issued is (drum roll please) Dick Pro (short for dick protection). The most important piece is the item that protects your most important piece. (winky face)
That’s right. Your dick pro was the most important piece of gear ever issued. Not because it was effective…no, definitely not that. It was a flimsy piece of kevlar that even if it stopped a round, would undoubtedly leave one of your huevos rancheros either busted or severely bruised. Talk about bustin’ a nut for real!
Its importance is only in the perceived protection of your dangly bits. Look, we all know there is nothing in this world that will be comfortable and fully and totally immerse your sack and shaft in an iron dome of protection. It’s physically impossible to protect your giblets properly from IEDs and enemy gunfire while also being comfortable. If there is one scientific impossibility, it’s not reaching the speed of light, no, it’s actually protecting your twig and berries while keeping you comfortable.
It’s the most important piece of equipment because for once…the military thought to themselves, “You know what would really suck? Getting your dick and or balls blown/shot off. We should do something about that, but not so much so that homeboy is ridiculously uncomfortable.”
See it’s important because they used their brains and said: “We can’t really protect their dicks, but we can attempt to without making them ridiculously uncomfortable.”
And thus the dick pro flap was born.
You may not think it very important, but then again if you don’t…it’s probably because you don’t have a dick.