Drug Cartels In Mexico Applaud Decision To Sue The United States

Categories: News, Satire, Totally Made Up And Not True

Merely hours after Foreign Secretary Marcelo Ebrard stated that Mexico would be pursuing legal action against the United States for the deaths of its citizens in the El Paso shooting, every single one of the drug cartels in Mexico released a united statement in support of this action.

“For too long, has the United States had a problem with guns and shooting our drug de…er employees. We stand behind the impending legal action on the United States for their vitriolic hate and violent culture,” stated an unnamed spokesman for the cartels. However, the one minor slip up found him spending the rest of his life dissolving in a barrel of acid.

A new spokesman went on to elaborate for the cartels.

“Well, we see the marijuana market drying up for us very soon with several states in the U.S. on the path to legalization, so we need to shore up our interests. Quite frankly a gun ban will be a brand new boom for us. You think people like drugs? Wait till you see the prices they’ll pay for just one magazine of ammunition for their coveted ‘Boogaloo Builds’. If we sue the United States and they ban firearms, we’re going to buy like six more narco subs and ten more airplanes, just this fiscal year!”

The cartel has been suffering steep drops in their marijuana portfolio as the United States is becoming more and more lax towards the “drug”. Still seeing positive gains in the opioids due to that epidemic in America, the cartels are looking to make sure there is not a drop off in their profits when marijuana becomes legalized across all 50 states.

“It’s just good business sense to get the United States to ban something, anything really, just look at prohibition and the drug war. We’ve made billions! We can mark it up 500% and those motherfuckers will still pay. It only happens that we already have our hands on a shit ton of guns. Plus who is going to stop us? Not a good guy with a gun anymore, that’s for sure! People don’t even know they’re going to make the problem even worse and we’re going to make so much money off of it!”

 

 

Know what we're sayin fam?

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