The Ten Commandments Of The Lance Criminal Underground

Ahhhh the good ol days. Being a lance corporal, those were the good ol days. Not really, actually, because chances are one of two things, or even both were occurring simultaneously. You were either A) A massive shitbag who got non-rec’d over and over and over OR B) the cutting score to pick up corporal was so ridiculously high that even if you were to single-handedly track down Bin Laden, kill him, then beat up that Commie Putin, you’d probably still only get a CerCom (Certificate of Commendation) instead of being promoted. Holy run-on sentence Batman!

But, despite one or both of those occurrences, there was always something unique about being a lance corporal, despite the fact that they were a dime a dozen. In fact, being part of the Lance Criminal Underground or the Lance Criminal Mafia, (whatever you want to call it, we’ve heard both) well those were some of the best times of our lives…not really actually. That’s entirely not true, did you guys know there is this thing called sex? With ladies?

Anyways, we’re moving further and further off-topic, time to reel it back in. Part of being in the Lance Criminal Underground is knowing the unwritten rules, that we’re about to write…so now they’ll be written rules…but more like guidelines. Don’t be afraid to go freeform with some of the ideas here. But never violate Commandments 8 and 9.

  1. Thou shalt always know more about the plan of the day than your platoon sergeant. It freaks them out.

  2. Thou shall make bad choices look like reasonable choices to privates and PFCs, then laugh at them when they ruin their life, just like you!

  3. Thou shalt ensure that you know grooming regulations by heart and that you always fall just inside the regulations, but still frustrate E-7’s and above.

  4. Thou shalt not live a clean and healthy lifestyle, booze and nicotine are mandatory.

  5. Thou shalt be a PT god so that thine Platoon Sergeant does not bitch and moan.

  6. Thou shalt always be really, really good at your job, while still being extremely belligerent to authority.

  7. Thou shalt always have an escape plan for any Working Party. Corporals like to lift with their Lance Corporals.

  8. Thou shalt not snitch.

  9. Thou shalt not snitch.

  10. Thou shalt be a dick to TOW Gunners, they get promoted for signing their fucking name.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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