Area 51 Chronicles: The Eve of Battle

Categories: Satire, Totally Made Up And Not True

Ominous music plays as the scene opens up with various miscreants and ner do wells congregated at a small skeezy motel that has definitely seen more meth deals than cleanings. Various Karens, Kyles, and Chads have all come for the raid on Area 51. Despite the fact that it was “canceled” these faithful…or rather intellectually challenged individuals weren’t good at much, but they were faithful to the idea of clappin’ alien cheeks, talking to managers, and being part of something larger than themselves, even if it meant they’d all meet their doom. Despite the ominous music playing, seemingly out of nowhere, which was a bit confusing for all of our “raiders” at first, the atmosphere was cheerful and worry-free.

Naive optimism had spread like a plague due to one of the Chads giving a rousing speech about how he’d be the first human to clap alien cheeks. While he was serious, the rest of the crowd took it as a joke. The Karen’s laughed at his bravado and quickly started joking about all the things they’d tell his mom when they found her on Facebook. The Kyle’s were enthralled with the idea of fornication, even if it was with an alien. They had seen a few videos online that depicted such acts, and they were confident they’d perform well given the chance.

Out of nowhere, one chad, trying to impress the nearest underage girl, suddenly found his ballsack and exclaimed;

“Hey, yo fuckin narrator dude, can you change this ominous fucking music man. Shit’s throwing off my game and killin’ everyone’s mood.”

To which I replied;

“Shut the fuck up you whiny 110 pound bitch, you ain’t gonna do shit, plus you’re definitely going to die tomorrow. The Air Force is going to fuck you up. Now sit down and shut up while I finish. Also how old is that chick, she’s definitely not 18, you perv, you’re like 30.”

Meanwhile, at Area 51, the mood was extremely lighthearted as airmen and private security contractors did last-minute gear checks, made sure they were up on ammo and had plenty of batteries for their chemlights.

They laughed and joked while GNR’s “Welcome to the Jungle” blasted over speakers and also, for some reason, out of nowhere as well. But nobody questioned it. The airmen were all excited. Everyone was. The thought of getting a good night’s rest was foreign to them, the calm before the storm had them anxious and ready to go at the drop of a hat. How could anyone sleep with an event like tomorrow weighing so heavily on everyone’s mind?

The night’s activities continued at their respective location. A few people from each side managed to get some sleep, and the Chad that opened his mouth, well…the underage girl he was hitting on, her dad showed up and beat seven shades of shit out of that Chad. He is currently unconscious in a bathtub getting wangs drawn on his face by his “friends”. It is…unlikely he’ll show up for the raid…but with any luck…*fingers crossed*

Time stands still for no man and this was no different. The signs of dawn started to creep above the horizon…today was the day…

 

Know what we're sayin fam?

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