Official Report from China: Everything Is Fine

Categories: Satire, Totally Made Up And Not True

While many people are concerned about what is happening in the People’s Republic of China, the Chinese government in their infinite wisdom and benevolence has seen fit to issue a statement regarding the rumors of everything taking place within their utopian state where nothing bad ever happens at all. Never. Not even once.

The below press release was dropped early this morning as rumors of protest, police brutality, organ harvesting, persecution of religious and political dissidents, etc… have been making their way around the globe.

“It has come to the attention of China, that the rest of the world is worried about the rumors they are hearing regarding the glorious Peoples Republic of China. Let us be the first to assure you. These are all false. Everyone here is happy. It is after all the PEOPLE’s Republic of China, not the Communist Republic of China. We understand the jealousy of the west as we have ended poverty, hunger, AIDS, Cancer, the common cold, and people who want to speak to the manager about every little inconvenience. Be rest assured, as always the People’s Republic of China stands strong and united. Everyone from Beijing to Taipei is happy to be part of what we’re doing here. 

We know what many of the so-called watchdog organizations are saying. That is just propaganda from the West. We strongly refute these claims and issue a stern warning to any who would express a desire to liberate Hong Kong. What are you going to liberate them from? Their literall paradise on earth? As far as organ harvesting, why would we do that when we have the best medicine and have cured basically all diseases? 

So you see, all these rumors are quite silly and nonsensical. To close, we’d also like to add that our President does not look like Winnie The Pooh, Winnie is a bear and Xi Jinping is a human. Obviously, we would not let a bear run our great utopian country.”

So there you have it, folks, just like the NBA, Blizzard, Apple, ESPN, Netflix, Disney, Hollywood, Facebook, Microsoft, Nike, and Reddit told us. Absolutely nothing bad is happening in China, where everything is most certainly and definitely fine and a-ok.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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