Breathing Banned, As It Triggers Anxiety

Categories: Funny, Satire, Totally Made Up And Not True

The world we live in is an ever-evolving place. Scientifically, culturally…what was new a week ago, is now as outdated and outmoded as technology from hundreds of years ago. It is the same with certain cultural faux pas. Coming on the heels of Oxford University’s decision to ban clapping at student council and other university events, Florida University Center for Cultural Knowledge, Inclusiveness, Nonjudgment and Gonorrhea (what? we needed a fucking G to sell the other part of the joke, shut up, we’re calling our mom) has decided to ban breathing at any F.U.C.C.K.I.N.G event.

A spokesman for the university explained the decision in more depth.

“We at F.U.C.C.K.I.N.G take our commitment to an open and diverse campus seriously, which is why we’ve decided that if your existence is deemed to be triggering any other student,  you will be asked to refrain from breathing for the benefit of the student body. We in no way shape or form, see any potential for this to be abused, as we are truly just looking out for the safety of the students. The policy is quite simple, after being informed that your existence or personal privilege is offensive or triggering to another student, you must refrain from breathing or you must leave the event. If you refuse to leave the event and refuse to comply with the non-respiration policy, administrators will be forced to ensure you stop breathing, again for the safety of the other students.”

Despite their best attempt to clarify their position, several questions still remained. We asked the spokesman how the administrators would ensure that a “problem student”, also known as a “free thinker”, would have their breathing stopped.

“The administration takes the safety of each student very seriously and each and every single one of them has attended a comprehensive 6-hour self-defense class at the local YMCA, to ensure they know how to deal with “problematic” or “free thinking” students.” – F.U.C.C.K.I.N.G Spokesman

Due to this massive leap forward in ensuring a safe place for students to learn and expand their minds, we give F.U.C.C.K.I.N.G the grade of 10 Stunning and 14 Brave for a total of 35 Stunning and Brave points. If you’re going to tell us that the numbers don’t add up, you need to stop being a bigot and relying on antiquated ideas of math and facts. At F.U.C.C.K.I.N.G, students are free to live their truth, no matter what it is…unless it triggers another student…then…you know…they gotta stop breathing.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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