Ever Elusive CONUS Kill

Categories: Funny, Military

Man…all these bored GWOT Trap Lordz are just hoping for the day a motherfucker would…Ah, welcome readers young and old. Welcome to a tale of mystery, a tale of great wealth and high esteem, rare it is though. The opportunities don’t always present themselves to the prepared, but the prepared are always ready for the opportunities. What is it we speak of? Why…it is the ever-elusive CONUS kill, of course.

Yes, friends, the CONUS kill is extremely rare for veterans of eras past, present and future, but no less desirable. Once you have been to war on foreign soil, there is a calling to earn with legal impunity a CONUS kill.

Say someone is breaking into your house and you’ve got your trusty Yeet Cannon by your bedside. A quick peek outside your bedroom door and you can see the shadow of a looty boi, you hear him taking your PS4 and XBOne, fuck it he’s taking your 75” TV too. That motherfucker. Carefully you creep, but he hears you and scampers off. Opportunity wasted. Likely this theivey Stevey won’t be back to try his luck in your home again. The ever-elusive CONUS kill has bested you again.

Hunters, abroad we once were, searching for those who’d do us harm. Gone are those days, gone is the rush of a heated firefight where you’re pounding an enemy position with the Ma Deuce or the Mk-19, raining grenades like a typhoon.

Say you’re at a gas station buying snacks galore for that snack you have in the car. When some crackhead or meth-head decides the cash register needs to be emptied. You see the signs, you know what’s about to go down. You see the glint of a gaudy, nickel-plated Beretta 9mm. It’s on. In fact, it’s so on, that if there were a gorilla with the first name of a beast of burden and the last name of a giant movie ape…it’d be that on. Quietly, you draw your High Point, and…

You beat the ever living dog shit outta this dude. Making him drop his Beretta, a tussle ensues. Crackheads/meth-heads are strong as fuck. But you manage to get the Beretta and blap blap blap blap blap blap (it takes a lot of rounds to stop a crackhead/meth-head, so we’re told) blap blap blap. He stops moving. You stand up…glad that your choice in firearms didn’t stop you from getting the ever-elusive CONUS kill.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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