New gun laws seem to loom on the horizon every time you turn on the television. So we took to the streets to find out what criminals think of the proposed laws that most of them ignore anyways.
We conducted an anonymous, double blind, semi-erotic series of interviews to get to the heart of the matter. Unsurprisingly, most of our volunteers said they did not hold gun laws in high regard.
One such individual, who went by “Sweet Tom,” gave us some interesting perspective. He said he supported disarming regular citizens because it “made them easier to rob.”
When we asked if he would be surrendering his firearms, he cackled maniacally and tried to rob us. Although, the entire news team had their concealed carry. Sweet Tom was subsequently shot several times. As we waited for the ambulance, he used this as an example of how armed citizens are a danger to criminals. Thus, he believes guns should be banned.
Tom also said he would be released from jail eventually, and would be happy to finish the interview then. Responding reporters magically produced 14 eye witnesses that said Sweet Tom did nothing wrong. Furthermore, they attested that Tom was a really sweet guy, and would never hurt anyone. Additionally, the hashtag #FreeSweetTom raised over $50,000 that he swears not to spend on drugs, and prostitutes.
Most of our interviews went in a similar fashion. The only criminals that said they would follow the new gun laws were financial criminals. They stated no need for guns because they rob people by manipulating the market. However, most of the violent criminals said they were excited to see law abiding citizens stripped of their rights.
What do you think of the proposed new gun laws? How do Americans end mass shootings without infringing on the rights of the citizens? Sound off in the comments below!
Clearly, this is satire, if you can’t tell. Hence the satire tags, and ridiculous nature of the article. However, we all know criminals don’t follow gun laws. So there is a bit of truth to this. Be safe, and keep your head on a swivel & #FreeSweetTom