New Marine Corps Study Finds Shitbags Best Warriors
Categories: Funny, Military, Satire
It’s a crazy thought we know, but now science backs up what Marines have known for the longest time. The Marines who are PT studs, but have bad attitudes in garrison, rarely shave and have shitty cammies are usually the best warriors according to a new study done by the School of Kombat Advanced Tactics and Evasion (S.K.A.T.E). The study found a high number of valor awards were earned by Marines who had a first class PFT, shot expert on the rifle range, received multiple negative counselings or a solid Non-Judicial Punishment.
These findings come as a shock to upper echelon officers who for years have refuted the wisdom of Murphy’s Laws of Combat. The laws state that no inspection ready unit will ever pass combat, and no combat ready unit will ever pass inspection. This…wisdom handed down by the warrior elders and keepers of Marine Corps Lore, had been largely ignored post-Vietnam up until the Global War on Terror kicked off.
Suddenly commands found themselves with a bunch of self-described shitbags, who wanted to do nothing more than go to a different land and kill anyone who threatened America. They didn’t want to sew up their cammies or get fresh haircuts, they just wanted to kill.
One officer spoke out anonymously in disgust.
“These Marines are a bunch of assholes. All they do is fight, f*** and drink. I would have thought that a branch born in a bar would have more manners than this.”
While we were interviewing him, there was a full stein of beer flung at him by an unnamed Lance Corporal who told him to “Shut your boot ass f***ing mouth!”
The researchers at S.K.A.T.E feel that their work has merit in vindicating the many Lance Corporals and Corporals who were passed over for promotion due to trivial bullshit, despite stacking bodies while in country.
Shitbags get the job done.
“I’d like to have two armies: one for display with lovely guns, tanks, little soldiers, staffs, distinguished and doddering Generals, and dear little regimental officers who would be deeply concerned over their General’s bowel movements or their Colonel’s piles, an army that would be shown for a modest fee on every fairground in the country. The other would be the real one, composed entirely of young enthusiasts in camouflage uniforms, who would not be put on display, but from whom impossible efforts would be demanded and to whom all sorts of tricks would be taught. That’s the army in which I should like to fight.”
― Jean Lartéguy
Jean Paul was a friend of my fathers and so you know it Colonel Raspeguy was General Marcel Bigeard A.KA. Bruno. I enlisted in the United States Army at age seventeen and at age eighteen served with the Air Cavalry Division in Vietnam so I come with what we call the “standard issue Cavalry smart mouth”. My family comes from Spain and my first langue is Spanish although I was born in the United States. My grandfather was also a Cavalryman so the “standard issue Cavalry smart mouth” is genetic as well. My family comes from Spain and my first language is Spanish although I was born in the United States. My mother was a typical Spanish mother she could really hold a grudge she would not allow the language of witches (English) in our home she kept muttering something about an Armanda whatever that means. my grandfather came to the United States to see me off to war. My mother was ranting and crying that I was going to die in Vietnam. My grandfather merely asked “What Regiment are you going to war with?” I replied the First Squadron of the Fifth Cavalry Regiment. My Grandfather told my mother: “Oh Julia, don’t worry, they are a magnificent regiment they fight like tigers! They fight like tigers but they are led by jackasses!” The “standard issue Cavalry smart mouth” rears its head again what could I say? Gee Granddad, I didn’t know you knew my officers!” My mother got this Queen Victoria “we are not amused look on her face and muttered “canallas” which can be loosely translated as swine which made the four of us laugh even more.
Satire is always fun.
Especially when people don’t get it.
Holy shit that’s funny!
My husband was a Marine for twenty years and during that time I met many Marines. All of them had seen combat, some of them many times and most of them were married with children. They displayed nothing of the traits you mentioned but were all were ready for combat. They were clean and wore their uniforms with pride. I’m sure that they had many bad curse words in. Their vocabulary but I have to say that none were used when I was present. You don’t have to have a gross mind or filthy habits to be a good Marine. You need a sharp mind, know how to follow orders, know how to shoot and never leave another Marine behind. I love the Marines and it makes me sad to hear that the kind you describe are the true fighters. This is unexceptible!
Hah! You didn’t see the dark side. He probably keep that from you for a reason.
There’s always that one dependa that thinks her opinions count
I always put on my “shiny” persona when visiting gramma or other family.
Also in public when absolutely necessary.
Especially in court.
But, yea. Just because someone isn’t showing you their hairy scrotum doesn’t mean they don’t have one.
The same goes in private industry. If I needed to get something done quickly, I would chose a former marine that appeared to be the laziest, dumbest, shitbag on the payroll.
Tell you a story. 1966, I Corps Vietnam. I join India 3/1 as a 0351 (3.5 rocketman), we run straight into an NVA regiment, Operation Utah. I’m a rookie, and my gunner is a PFC in his late 20’s, nickname “Crazy Carr”. You get it, he’s had a few steps back. But he got me through that bloody op, brought me along as a 3.5 gunner, took me on two-man night walks (hunter-killer patrols, look ’em up, scary shit, but no-holds barred ROE’s). I owe my chill in the shit to that guy, and he did not like being in the rear. Me neither. If I had been paying attention to my lessons, me and my spotter would likely never got blown up later in the tour.
After all, ain’t the fight what Marines are for?
Semper Fi Marine 🇺🇸
Although there is some truth to this theory, I find it a bit vague. I served in the USMC during a peaceful time do I never had the experience of killing an enemy but was trained to do exactly that….whereas I still have regrets of not getting that experience.
However, we we’re also trained to always be “inspection ready” also, which is what we spent a lot of time doing.
Marine Corps values are set at a higher standard to help separate themselves from the other branches of service because we were considered a smaller “elite” branch that would always be the “first to fight”, which is what our primary training is about. We weren’t expected to be the clean cut Marine in combat but when we aren’t involved in a conflict, we were to stand out above the rest.
Yes, there were some of us that liked to “party” but the other services did the same.
This person who theorized this type of behavior only targeted the USMC….I am uncertain if he/they are condemning this type of behavior but before you pass any judgement on us, make sure you study the other branches, too.
Over all, I think you’re theory has some truth but don’t forget one thing….we are ALL here for one reason…..to fight and defend our country from others that want to change our values or way of life. We took an oath to do so and I still support that oath!
Satire is obviously satire.
Bout fucking time the truth comes out!
My father, WW-II Army, told me “Major Grover said he didn’t want a man in the outfit that didn’t have enough guts to go AWOL.” So….
Do not mistake a “Marine in Training ” and being polished to Marine Corps Standards as a Great warrior. As a leader myself I had to grow and learn and so will others. No one is a natural born Marine. YOU HAVE TO EARN IT! So when you graduate from “SKATE ” school and enter the FMF or Wing you will find this to be true. The fact that these Marines have earned their valor is a testament to the Corps.
Do you know what satire is?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_OHC_nqFQ8
Nothing more terrifying than a disgruntled Lance cooley who hasn’t had chow, lots of hootch and some skank pussy and 2 years out from being eligible for a good conduct medal. He’s a dangerous dude……
The military, especially Marines are built and trained to fight, that is their mission and when it comes down to defending this country those are the people you want in combat and on the front lines.
Ooh fucking Rah!!!!!
Marines, You got to love them….Semper Fi
Sounds to me like all the grunt units I’ve served in minus the first sgt and above love the it
The most ferocious fighting machine in the world is a pissed off 19 year old Marinr
Chesty Puller once inspected the troops and then turned to his subordinate and “Now let’s go to the brig and meet the men”!
As a retired “Gunny” I know this to be a fact in some cases…
Yep…it’s always been like this…
OOORAH
This article is very true, the Marines who finished first in their A schools usually did not do well in the field. I have said that for a long time.
Believe it was Chesty Puller who said, ” Take me to the brig. I wanna see real Marines.” Seems like it fits in with this story. SFMF
It’s been this way since the Revolutionary War. Take care if your weapon, your weapon will take care if you. That’s it. Period. Everything else is busy work. The players know the game. Everyone else knows it doesn’t matter. The pretty boys are the first to crack.
I was a Marine Cprl and hated being in garrison, I could do all the pretty little bullshit while there I didn’t like ot though, One day in garrison I was having a conversation with my Plt commander and he made a comment about going to the field for 3 days to train, I said something don’t remember what, his reply though was that he based field time on me and my attitude because I always had a better attitude in the field and when we returned.
That is something I will never forget ,I love good sweaty in the fucking dirt training.
Even now 25 yrs later I have to get out and walk in the woods.
Best in the grass worst in the camp. I wan’t the hard ass in the field every time…
Dear Dave Parke, we have those two armies already. The prim and proper one is a combined effort of the Army and Air Force, the other one calls itself the Marines. For those who have not been there, no explanation is possible, for those of us who have been there, none is needed! one man, mean it!
Absolutely freakin’ lutely! Semper Fi!