Carrier Battle Group Sad China Won’t Try To Censor Them

Categories: Satire, Totally Made Up And Not True

Somewhere in the South China Sea…the USS Ronald Reagan is conducting freedom of navigation exercises to and fro, wherever they wish to go. But morale is low. The crews of the ships, while capable and learned in their tasks don’t have the same pep in their step that they had a few weeks ago. Nothing is really wrong so to speak, except well…China is censoring and demanding apologies left and right, from Prague to the NBA, to South Park and Blizzard/Activision…and while South Park and Prague have been the most adamant about not bowing to the totalitarian regime…the sailors in the carrier battle group feel left out.

“I mean, we’ve been here a lot longer provoking and calling out the Chinese on their bullshit, and they won’t demand an apology from us? That’s bullshit,” said one sailor who felt overlooked and slighted by the Communist nation.

It’s true, the Commies used to get all flustered and say they’d sink an American aircraft carrier to keep the United States out of the contested South China Sea, but the aircraft carrier came, with friends and the Commies suddenly stopped talking.

“We have all sorts of anti-censorship tools at our disposal,” said one of the officers aboard the carrier, “We’ve got the F-35 Anti-Censorship Platform, the Arleigh Burke Class Anti-Censorship Platform, the Ticonderoga Anti-Censorship Platform…look we sailed all this way because it seemed like China had something to say, and here they are picking on the NBA and Blizzard/Activision instead of us, it just ain’t right!”

The sailors were glad to see their fellow Americans from South Park, Colorado tell the ChiComs to get fukt.

“I mean that…that stand against the Commies that the citizens of South Park made, specifically Tegridy Farms, it gave us hope that the Chinese government might try to do something, in which case, they’d have to censor us to get to the citizens of South Park, and well, with all the anti-censorship platforms we have…good luck,” said Chief Boatswains Mate Phyt Mi.

Know what we're sayin fam?

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